••
♥
Malaysian Jet disappears........
David Copperfield picked up for questioning...
••
Some friends at work were bragging about
their cars.
I told them I had a BMW at the house.
They asked why I never bring it to work.
Told them it would be tough to bring my
Big Mexican Woman to work.....
••
A priest was sent to a very small church in the
backwoods of Alaska.
After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay
the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and
that he didn't think that he could have made it
without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would
you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered toward
the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two
martinis please?"
••
My wife is actually a little upset with me right
now because I won't approve her as a friend on
my Facebook.
I'm like, You got every wall in the house.
Can I have one wall without you popping up on
and ruining it?
Stay off my wall.
••
It was my turn to drive the carpool and drop the
children to school.
We were on the way to school, when a
six-year-old boy asked me how the moon shines.
Trying to sound smarter then a 6 year old,
I explained, "When the light from the Sun hits
the moon and reflects back, we are able to see
the light.
It's the same as - when you look into a mirror
and the light reflects back your image and you
can see yourself."
I was feeling proud for sounding intelligent.
The boy promptly replied, "Mrs. Jones, I do not
glow like the moon in the mirror, so how does it
glow?"
Well, he had me there and I managed to say,
"That's the reason why your parents are sending
you to school, so you can find out and tell me."
••
For the first time in many years, an old man traveled
from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession
stand to purchase some popcorn.
As he handed the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help
but comment, "The last time I went to the movies,
popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
"You're really going to enjoy yourself this evening.
We have sound now."
••
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant
driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to
change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her
by.
He completed the job for her, and, soaked to
the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little
lady, that's done!"
"Quiet," she ordered him.
"You'll wake up my husband.
He's taking a nap in the back seat."
••
I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a
stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can
get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam
and bubbles and time everything perfectly so
that, the moment she walks through the door,
the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
••
I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
••
What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's
tomb indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!
••
A boy comes home from school and tells his
mother that he got a part in the school play.
"What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that
you want a speaking role!"
••
Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room
floor as the pub was closed for the night.
Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse
and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor
and back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar
"Bring on the God damn cat!!!"
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