••
♥
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and
showed me pictures of why I should always
wear a condom.
Funny thing is...they were all just pictures of
me.....
showed me pictures of why I should always
wear a condom.
Funny thing is...they were all just pictures of
me.....
••
A married couple, trying to live up to a
snobbish lifestyle, went to this party.
The conversation turned to Mozart.
“Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!”
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation,
remarked casually, “Ah, Mozart.
You’re so right.
I love him.
Only this morning, I saw him getting on the
No. 5 bus going to Coney Island.”
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked
at her.
Her husband was mortified.
He pulled her away and whispered, “We’re
leaving right now.
Get your coat, and let’s get out of here.”
As they drove home, he kept muttering to
himself.
Finally, his wife turned to him.
“You’re angry about something.”
“Oh, really? You noticed?” he sneered.
“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!
You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney
Island?
You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5 bus doesn’t
even go OUT to Coney Island?”
A married couple, trying to live up to a
snobbish lifestyle, went to this party.
The conversation turned to Mozart.
“Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!”
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation,
remarked casually, “Ah, Mozart.
You’re so right.
I love him.
Only this morning, I saw him getting on the
No. 5 bus going to Coney Island.”
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked
at her.
Her husband was mortified.
He pulled her away and whispered, “We’re
leaving right now.
Get your coat, and let’s get out of here.”
As they drove home, he kept muttering to
himself.
Finally, his wife turned to him.
“You’re angry about something.”
“Oh, really? You noticed?” he sneered.
“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!
You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney
Island?
You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5 bus doesn’t
even go OUT to Coney Island?”
••
A teacher was taking a station wagon
full of nursery children to school when a
firetruck zoomed past them.
In the front seat of the fire truck was a
dalmatian.
The children then started to discuss what the
dalmation was for.
One girl said, “The firemen use the dalmatian
to control the crowd of people at the fire scene.”
“The dalmatian’s there for good luck,” another
girl chimed in.
“You’re both wrong!” said a little boy.
“The firemen need the dalmatian to find the
fire hydrant.”
full of nursery children to school when a
firetruck zoomed past them.
In the front seat of the fire truck was a
dalmatian.
The children then started to discuss what the
dalmation was for.
One girl said, “The firemen use the dalmatian
to control the crowd of people at the fire scene.”
“The dalmatian’s there for good luck,” another
girl chimed in.
“You’re both wrong!” said a little boy.
“The firemen need the dalmatian to find the
fire hydrant.”
••
Judges don't always seem to make sense.
A man found himself in front of a judge on two
matters.
In the first, the man's wife was trying to get a
divorce because he was impotent.
In the second, his secretary wanted child
support.
The man lost both cases!
A man found himself in front of a judge on two
matters.
In the first, the man's wife was trying to get a
divorce because he was impotent.
In the second, his secretary wanted child
support.
The man lost both cases!
••
My wife is a primary school teacher, and related
this tale after another class returned from a trip
to a working farm:
My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the
trip.
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats,
and f***ers."
Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and
the rest are, but what is a f***er?"
David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us
milk"
Wife: "but who said they were called, er,
f***ers?"
David: "that was our teacher.
Well actually she called them"effers," but we all
knew what she meant."
this tale after another class returned from a trip
to a working farm:
My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the
trip.
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats,
and f***ers."
Wife: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and
the rest are, but what is a f***er?"
David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us
milk"
Wife: "but who said they were called, er,
f***ers?"
David: "that was our teacher.
Well actually she called them"effers," but we all
knew what she meant."
••
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal
of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial
school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear
this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said,
" Now just calm down and tell me what has you
so excited?"
"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just
walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard
some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father"
replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were
wagering ON!
They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the
priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial
school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear
this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said,
" Now just calm down and tell me what has you
so excited?"
"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just
walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard
some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father"
replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were
wagering ON!
They had wagered on a contest to see who could
urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the
priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
••
Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia,
Colombia, an annual festival in November
includes five days of amateur bullfighting.
This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of
matadors were injured, including one gored in
the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, "It's just one bull against
a thousand morons."
Colombia, an annual festival in November
includes five days of amateur bullfighting.
This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of
matadors were injured, including one gored in
the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, "It's just one bull against
a thousand morons."
••
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at
the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces," Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,
"An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough.,,
the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and
announces," Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,
"An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough.,,
••
Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for
forty years?
A: Somebody dropped a shekel.
forty years?
A: Somebody dropped a shekel.
••••
