Down Hummingbird Lane

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♥

A Limerick gets laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

 

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Patient: I have this weird thing going on in my
colon where if I swallow a string it will come
out with the ends tied together.
 Doctor: (skeptically) Really?
 Patient: I shit you knot.

 

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I'm at the point in my marriage where it takes
me a few minutes after I wake up to remember
if we're mad at each other or not.

 

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For those who haven't heard, Washington State
recently passed both laws - gay marriage and
legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were
legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical
sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be
stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! 

 

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The morning after their honeymoon night,
Julie says to herhusband, "you know, You're
really a lousy lover!"
Her husband replies, "How would you know
after only 30 seconds?"

 

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Discussing the environment with his friend,
John asked, “Under Obama, which of our
natural resources do you think will become
exhausted first?”
“The taxpayer,” replied his friend.

 

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Stress is when you wake up screaming and you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Whenever I have a problem, I sing.
Then I realize that my voice is a lot worse than
my problem.

 

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Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it”
A physician called into a radio show and said:
“that’s the definition of a stool sample“.
That pretty well sums it up.

 

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My three-year old daughter was talking to me
while I shaved.
The topic was cartoons, television and reality.
She was going into great detail about the
characters in the Dragon Tales cartoon.
When she finished I said, "Honey, are cartoons
real?"
"No." was her brief reply.
"Is TV real?" I said looking at her.
"No." "I'm glad you know those things aren't
real," I said patting her head.
"You know what's real?" she asked wide-eyed.
"You tell me."
"Monsters are real!" she said walking out.
"No they're not!" I called after her.
"Yes they are!"
"No they're not!"
"Yes they are!"
"No, honey," I said.
"Those scary things that occasionally come into
our house is only Mommy's family..."

 

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Someone asked me, "and now that you are
retired, do you still have a job?"
I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."
"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your
pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple......
My wife has told me that when she wants my
f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."

 

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