# 2240

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If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow...
I'M GOING RODENT HUNTING!

 

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While my wife and I were shopping at a mall
kiosk, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed.
Without looking up from the item she was
examining, my wife asked,
"Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

 

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I've decided to sell a new alcoholic beverage 
called "Responsibly"
That way, everyone can get shit faced drinking
Responsibly.
All the other drink makers will advertise for me,
for free, with the slogan,
"Please Drink Responsibly" on their bottles,
cans, billboards, and commercials...
I'll make a fortune...
probably piss off the government, though...

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"What have I done?!
Everybody run!" -
Last words of the inventor of the boomerang.

 

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The Obama administration has conclusively
discovered how to deal with the deficit.
It’s a skill, which requires addition and
distraction.
 

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I'm boycotting Walmart...I finally managed to
get the image of the 300 pound woman wearing
leopard print leggings with a tube top out of
my mind. oh, and she had purple, pink & green
hair and her eyebrows were outlined in
piercings.
It was a visual insult and maybe should have
been a crime.

 

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“Why do people study gravity?
It's a pretty attractive field.”

 

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Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to
buy a thousand hens, but didn't have the money...
so...He put them on a layaway plan!
 

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Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples.
The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is
watching."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies.
Moving through the line a boy wrote another
note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want,
 God is watching the apples."

 

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You might be a redneck if...
There are more than five McDonald's bags
currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator
recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for
his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your
front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper
high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for
heckling the monkeys.

 

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They just opened a new women's shelter.
It's called Tempura House...

It's for lightly battered women.

 

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