••
♥
Obama should put the NSA in charge of the
healthcare website.
That way there's nothing to fill out.
They already have all our information.
You just put your name in.
••
John's 18th birthday present!
"Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for
you!"
After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad,
all these boxes are empty..."
"I know.
Use them to pack your things and get the hell
out."
••
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing
basketball in his driveway.
After a fruitless search, he told his mother the
lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few
minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the
teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing,"
she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic.
I was looking for $150."
••
I went to identify my wife's body at the morgue.
"Are you absolutely sure it's her?" asked the
policeman.
"Yes," I said.
"She's cold and she isn't talking to me,
what more do you want?"
••
A team of military researchers is developing a
pizza that can stay edible for three years.
It’s been a weird couple of years for the military.
One minute you’re hunting Osama bin Laden
and the next you’re trying to outsmart
Papa John.
••
Technology ....
A man received the following text message
from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt
and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night
when you're not around.
In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no
excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope
you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into
his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a
word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
••
I was watching an Olympic event on TV last
night when my wife came into the room.
As she began to speak, I put my hand up.
"Not now honey, this is getting good"
I said, my eyes glued to the TV.
"Curling? Since when are you that interested
in Curling" She asked.
"Hey, I'm sitting in a chair, drinking a beer,
watching a woman operate a broom,
what's not to like?"
••
Going over our church finances I found a
receipt from a local paint store signed by
someone named Christian.
I wasn't aware of anyone buying paint, so I
called the store to point out its mistake.
"I'm sorry," I told the manager, "but there are
no Christians here at First Baptist Church."
••
The quantity of consonants in the English
language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost
r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to
"warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
••
Q: What's the difference between a proctologist
and a bartender?
A: The proctologist only handles one a**hole at
a time.
Height of Attitude
••
A cockroach’s last words to a man who is about
to kill him:
“Go ahead and kill me, You coward!
You are jealous of me because your wife is
afraid of me and NOT AFRAID OF YOU !
••
What does Justin Beiber music played
backwards sound like?
Justin Beiber music.
••••
