••
♥
I found a new way to sleep on the couch......
The other day I was telling my wife I was
gaining weight.
Since I'm slender she scoffed and said go
ahead and pinch an inch.
I knew I'd made a mistake just after I reached
for her tummy.
••
Government office rules......
If it rings, put it on hold.
If it clanks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it's a friend, take a break.
If it's the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it's handwritten, type it.
If it's typed, copy it.
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget it!
••
Where did Obama decry the influence of money
on politics?
Barbara Streisand’s $28,500 a plate dinner.
••
Jenn says her husband worked with this guy at
the high school.
The guy wanted to measure the wall and he
asked Mike for some assistance.
Mike said, "why not use the yardstick over
there?"
The guy looked at Mike and, very serious,
said, "I can't use that.
The wall is longer than the yardstick."
••
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why
you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
••
Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things
are going terrible.
The Pharaoh won't even talk to him, the rest of
the Hebrews are mad at him for making the
overseers even more irritable than usual, and
so on, and so on, and so on...
He's so depressed about it all, he's almost ready
to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks
from above: "YOU, MOSES, HEED ME.
I HAVE GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS."
Moses is staggered.
The voice continues: "YOU, MOSES, WILL
LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL FROM
BONDAGE.
IF THE PHARAOH REFUSES TO RELEASE
YOUR BONDS I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH
A RAIN OF FROGS."
"YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF
ISRAEL TO THE PROMISED LAND.
IF THE PHARAOH BLOCKS YOUR WAY I
WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A PLAGUE OF
LOCUSTS.
YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE TO
FREEDOM AND SAFETY.
IF THE PHARAOH'S ARMY PURSUES YOU,
I WILL PART THE WATERS OF THE RED SEA
TO OPEN YOUR PATH TO THE PROMISED
LAND."
Moses is stunned.
He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't
believe it! -- but... but... but what's the bad news?"
"YOU, MOSES, MUST WRITE THE
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT."
••
One day Joe died and found himself standing
in front of the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "Joe, if you can answer one question,
I'll let you into heaven."
Joe: "sounds easy enough."
St. Peter: "O.K., who is with you always?"
Joe: "Oh, that's easy: Andy!"
St. Peter: "Andy?"
Joe: "Yeah, haven't you heard that hymn,
‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me?'"
••
Did you hear about the man who robbed a
music shop?
He got caught with the lute.
••
Don't waste money on expensive iPods.
Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
••••
