••
♥
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a
merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied
the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge.
"How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.
••
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night,
staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly
woman.
She looks the man up and down and says,
"I've got news for you.....
You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,
"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
••
My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this
up.
He goes, You know you have one eye set a little
bit higher than your other eye?
No, I didn't know that.
He goes, Its no big deal; it doesn't affect your
vision or anything.
I just thought you might want to be
self-conscious for the rest of your life.
••
Laws of Auto Racing....
10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup
is directly proportional to the number of times
you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session,
only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you
punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you
need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one
more than the amount of fuel left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car
will finish the race, two laps down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you
wreck at.
1) A 10-car pileup will never happen behind you!
••
“To add to the punishment, Satan made all the
tormented souls listen to elevator music.
The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.”
••
What is the meaning of life?
All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
••
A couple was having a discussion about family
finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for
my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your
money I wouldn't be here."
••
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in
the Bible?
A. David.
He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.
••
Ecstasy
Discovering a second layer of chocolates under
the first.
••
A while back there was a "true" story
(urban legend) about a guy
who was interrupted by the doorbell.
Upon opening the door he found some religious
nuts who were very annoying.
As he was in the middle of preparing dinner,
he'd gone to the door with a very large knife in
his hand.
At some point, he called out to his friends
asking if they'd gotten the virgin ready for the
sacrifice.
At this point, the callers fled from the home,
never to return again.
••
The office playboy had a date with an attractive
young woman.
The next day someone asked him how things
had gone.
"She uses too many four-letter words for me,"
was the reply.
"Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy.
"All evening long she was saying "don't" and
"stop" and "quit that."
••••
