••
♥
I was eating lunch and I was seated
next to this young girl & I asked
her, "Why you out of school today"?
She said, "It's President's Day!"
I asked, "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington
or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President
Obama steps out of the White House, and if he
sees his shadow we have 3 more years of
recession."
You know, it hurts when ice tea spurts out
your nose...
••
“We are told NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the
actions of a few lunatics."
BUT on the other hand…….
"We are also encouraged TO judge ALL Gun
Owners by the actions of a few lunatics."
••
I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take
something for it.
••
A group of psychiatrists were attending a
convention.
Four of them decided to leave, and walked out
together.
One said to the other three, "People are always
coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we
have no one that we can go to when we have
problems......" The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals,
why don't we take some time right now to hear
each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an
uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive
things and so I find ways to cheat my patients
out of their money whenever I can so I can buy
the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with
selling drugs and often get my patients to sell
them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed,
"I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter
how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
••
Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been
baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.
••
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the
best fishing spots.
Since the Englishman was learning Spanish,
he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish
and to correct any mistakes of usage.
They were hiking on a mountain trail when a
very large, purple and blue fly crossed their
path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his
fishing rod, and said, “Mira el mosca!”
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity,
replied, “No, senor, ‘la mosca’… es feminina.”
The Englishman looked at him, then back at
the fly, and then said, “Good heavens…
you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
••
In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank
department store advertisement for women's
bras and panties reads:
The perfect gift for that special woman in your
life, or great to keep for yourself.
••
“An instructor at an ice cream parlor is a
sundae school teacher.”
••
Young people have theirs, now Seniors have
their own texting codes:
* ATD - At the doctor's
* BFF - Best friend's funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM- Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help.
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
••
Tips For Girls......
Madonna is 54 and her
boyfriend is 22.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her
boyfriend is 26.
If you’re not dating anyone,
don’t worry,
Maybe he isn't born yet.
