••
♥
Her father was very angry when he heard that
his twenty year old daughter had hitch hiked
all alone, all the way from San Francisco to
Washington.
"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could
have attacked you and raped you!"
"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said,
trying to calm him down.
"As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I
was going to Washington, because thats where
they have the best treatment for
sexually transmitted diseases."
••
Go into Wendy's around 9:00 p.m.
Nobody in the store.
I ordered a Frosty.
The guy at the counter pushed the little button
on his register and leaned into the microphone
and said "Frosty".
He then proceeded to turn around and draw the
drink HIMSELF!
I asked why he used the mike, and his response
was, "That's the way I was trained to do it.
If I don't, I get confused".
••
Consider the following:
Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend
in a crowded shopping mall:
"Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string!"
••
Congrats to the Polish downhill skier....
He won the Gold medal.
His parents were so proud they had it bronzed!
••
On Valentines night, I took my Girlfriend to an
expensive restaurant.
When we had finished eating, I got off my chair.
I knelt down in front of her.
And in front of all the other diners,
I pretended I had stomach cramps and got the
meal for free.
••
I walked in with 5 bunches of flowers for my
wife today.
"Happy Valentines day, babe!" I smiled.
"Oh my god, they're gorgeous!!" she burst out
with delight.
"Where did you get them from?"
"Down the street," I winked.
"From that posh florist?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "From the lampost where that
kid got ran over yesterday."
••
You remember when:
Texting meant setting type at a printers...
Coke was a brown, fizzy, sugary drink...
Ecstasy was an elevated state of mind and not
a cheap drug...
Friend used to be an ally, not a Facebook link...
Trolls used to live under bridges, not in the next thread
Thread used to hold your clothes together...
Spam was served with beans and eggs
Post was a place to tie up your horse and buggy...
Hacking was done to a piece of wood with a
blunt axe...
Gay meant happy...
••
I asked coach if I should try out for basketball
or football.
He gave my a Hershey's Kiss chocolate candy.
I ate it and he said "football"
I asked "why football?"
He answered, "Because to play basketball you
have to be smart enough to take the foil off of
the Kiss before eating it"
••
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's
grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the
grass rustle beneath her skirt.
She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're
dead now ya know."
••
Overheard.....
"She's the kind of girl you'd like to bring home
to mother - If you could trust your father."
••
A wife calls her husband in the office
"Honey, the windows are stuck.
Please tell me what to do?"
"Just pour some hot water on them, that should
make them move"..
Wife calls back in 15 minutes..
"Honey, I did exactly what you told me but now
the computer won't even start"..
••
A New York boy was being led through the
swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if
you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on
how fast ya carry the flashlight."
••
Groan..........
Juan, a poor man, decided to raise tropical
birds.
He bought a large toucan only to discover that
its care and feeding was very expensive.
Juan had to supplement the bird's costly diet
with his own inexpensive rice and beans.
To his surprise, the bird thrived on the cheap
diet.
Juan became famous in the annals of bird
husbandry when it was discovered that toucan
live as cheap as Juan.
••
As the storm raged, the captain realized his
ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain,
I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the
rest of us put on our life jackets.....
we're one short."
••••
