••
♥
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.
enough sense to be lazy.
••
I was at my regular bar the other night when
big Alex walked in, took his usual seat and
ordered a pint of his favorite lager.
Alex leaned over and said to me: "I've just
called the local insane asylum yesterday to
check on who has escaped from there recently."
I was confused by this remark so asked him,
"Why on earth would you want to know such
a thing???"
Alex leaned closer and explained:
"Well, somebody married my ex last week.
big Alex walked in, took his usual seat and
ordered a pint of his favorite lager.
Alex leaned over and said to me: "I've just
called the local insane asylum yesterday to
check on who has escaped from there recently."
I was confused by this remark so asked him,
"Why on earth would you want to know such
a thing???"
Alex leaned closer and explained:
"Well, somebody married my ex last week.
••
Last night my spouse was berating me for
wanting to check my email as soon as I got
home from work.
"You know", she complained, "I think that
work rules your life".
"No dear," I replied, "_you_ rule my life.
I just prefer work."
wanting to check my email as soon as I got
home from work.
"You know", she complained, "I think that
work rules your life".
"No dear," I replied, "_you_ rule my life.
I just prefer work."
••
Despair leads to boredom, electronic games,
computer hacking, poetry, and other bad habits.
computer hacking, poetry, and other bad habits.
••
[Hickory Daily Record, 12-21-92]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot
himself to death in December in Newton, N.C.,
when, awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson
.38 Special, which discharged when he drew it
to his ear.
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot
himself to death in December in Newton, N.C.,
when, awakening to the sound of a ringing
telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson
.38 Special, which discharged when he drew it
to his ear.
••
A girl runs home to her mother crying,
"I can't marry Joe!
He's an atheist!
He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything!
"Don't worry, Honey," said her mom.
"But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell!
"Don't worry, Honey," repeated her mom,
"you marry him...and we'll convince him!"
"I can't marry Joe!
He's an atheist!
He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything!
"Don't worry, Honey," said her mom.
"But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell!
"Don't worry, Honey," repeated her mom,
"you marry him...and we'll convince him!"
••
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed,
"I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist.
"The man who told me is much more
reliable than you."
"I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist.
"The man who told me is much more
reliable than you."
••
Why was a two-piece bikini invented?
To separate meat section from the dairy section.
To separate meat section from the dairy section.
••
What is common between a swimming pool
and a wife :
For both we pay high maintenance for the little
time we spend in them.....
and a wife :
For both we pay high maintenance for the little
time we spend in them.....
••
My friend benny found a magic lantern....
got his 3 wishes - but was warned that if he
shaved -- he would immediately turn into a
urn for cremated ashes.
..Benny got money, women and mansion --
but after 20 years he couldn't take his beard
any longer -- so he shaved...."poof" he was
turned into a nice, ceramic urn.
... the moral??
a benny shaved is a benny urned.
got his 3 wishes - but was warned that if he
shaved -- he would immediately turn into a
urn for cremated ashes.
..Benny got money, women and mansion --
but after 20 years he couldn't take his beard
any longer -- so he shaved...."poof" he was
turned into a nice, ceramic urn.
... the moral??
a benny shaved is a benny urned.
••
People have been speculating lately about what
President Obama will do when he leaves office
in 2016.
The one thing I think we can safely rule out —
website designer.
People have been speculating lately about what
President Obama will do when he leaves office
in 2016.
The one thing I think we can safely rule out —
website designer.
••••
