Now that is scary....
••
♥
Christian One-Liners....
>Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.
>Many folks want to serve God, but only as
advisers.
>It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to
live one.
>The good Lord didn't create anything without
a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
>When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God
lives there.
>Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.
>Many folks want to serve God, but only as
advisers.
>It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to
live one.
>The good Lord didn't create anything without
a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
>When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God
lives there.
••
Mike and his wife Dara were walking across
Southsea Commons one Sunday afternoon.
In the bandstand the combo was playing a
catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder
what the name of that tune is."
Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near
the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post
the titles of the tunes they play.
I'll go down and see."
A while later Mike returned and said to Dara,
"It's one I don't know, it's called
'The Refrain from Spitting'."
Southsea Commons one Sunday afternoon.
In the bandstand the combo was playing a
catchy sounding tune, and Dara said, "I wonder
what the name of that tune is."
Mike noticed that there was a sign posted near
the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post
the titles of the tunes they play.
I'll go down and see."
A while later Mike returned and said to Dara,
"It's one I don't know, it's called
'The Refrain from Spitting'."
••
As an art teacher for an elementary school here
in Jacksonville, Florida,
one of my recent assignments for the children
was to enter a contest that our new national
football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was
promoting.
The winning artwork gets placed on the back of
the season tickets, so I encouraged the children
to come up with a good logo and a colorful
creation.
One innocent little girl was so enthused about
her masterpiece she turned in to me.
It had a picture of a mean looking jaguar that
read, "You're messin' with the wrong pussy."
in Jacksonville, Florida,
one of my recent assignments for the children
was to enter a contest that our new national
football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was
promoting.
The winning artwork gets placed on the back of
the season tickets, so I encouraged the children
to come up with a good logo and a colorful
creation.
One innocent little girl was so enthused about
her masterpiece she turned in to me.
It had a picture of a mean looking jaguar that
read, "You're messin' with the wrong pussy."
••
I was sitting in my science class, when the
teacher commented that the next day would be
the shortest day of the year.
My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping.
I explained to her that the amount of daylight
changes,not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
teacher commented that the next day would be
the shortest day of the year.
My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping.
I explained to her that the amount of daylight
changes,not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
••
What's the national anthem of Puerto Rico?
"Attention K-Mart shoppers..."
"Attention K-Mart shoppers..."
••
It's so cold...
...my pee froze in mid-stream!
...you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
...that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own
wife in order to keep warm.
...that the Statue of Liberty put the torch
INSIDE her dress.
...the lawyers had their hands in their own
pockets.
...you bake a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute
later it's frosted.
...the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks
just to blow on your hands.
...my pee froze in mid-stream!
...you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
...that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own
wife in order to keep warm.
...that the Statue of Liberty put the torch
INSIDE her dress.
...the lawyers had their hands in their own
pockets.
...you bake a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute
later it's frosted.
...the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks
just to blow on your hands.
••
A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed....
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed....
••
My wife said she's leaving me because I can't
do anything right when it comes to housework.
Selfish witch,..... it took me hours to mop that
carpet...
do anything right when it comes to housework.
Selfish witch,..... it took me hours to mop that
carpet...
••
On the wall of a church was a sign:
"If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters;
"But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451"
"If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"
And right below it in nice rounded letters;
"But if you're not, my phone number is 341 3451"
••
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel
mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly
about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he
went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in
the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it
again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the
third pew leaned toward her mother and
whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly
about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he
went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in
the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it
again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the
third pew leaned toward her mother and
whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
••••
