••
♥
A "Liberal Paradise" would be a place where
everybody has guaranteed employment,
free comprehensive healthcare, free education,
free food, free housing, free clothing,
free utilities; and only Law Enforcement has
guns.
Such a place does exist.
It's called “prison”.
••
A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his
peers, decides to learn how to play some "real"
musical instruments.
He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches
the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red
trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny,
and replies "OK, you can have the fire
extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
peers, decides to learn how to play some "real"
musical instruments.
He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches
the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red
trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny,
and replies "OK, you can have the fire
extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
••
Today I was beaten up by a woman...
I was in the elevator when that busty lady got
in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said,
would you please press 1..?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards....
I was in the elevator when that busty lady got
in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said,
would you please press 1..?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards....
••
Patient: I have this weird thing going on in my
colon, where if I swallow a string it will come
out with the ends tied together.
Doctor: Really?
Patient: I shit you knot.
colon, where if I swallow a string it will come
out with the ends tied together.
Doctor: Really?
Patient: I shit you knot.
••
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a
starting pistol; police say it's definitely race
related...
starting pistol; police say it's definitely race
related...
••
I tried telling my girlfriend that wearing high
heels makes your ass look a lot sexier and gives
it definition.
She thought I just looked gay.....
heels makes your ass look a lot sexier and gives
it definition.
She thought I just looked gay.....
••
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
••
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont
cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John
Barnes who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many
qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to
be comforted.
cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John
Barnes who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many
qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to
be comforted.
••
I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her
belly, hair a mess and smoking a cigarettes.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive
fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you,"
I said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married,"
she said.
"Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our damn honeymoon," I replied.
belly, hair a mess and smoking a cigarettes.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive
fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you,"
I said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married,"
she said.
"Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our damn honeymoon," I replied.
••
A newly engaged couple were having dinner
with the bride-to-be's parents.
Things were going smoothly until her father
decided to find out a little more about her
fiancé.
The prospective father-in-law asked,
"Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.
I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
A newly engaged couple were having dinner
with the bride-to-be's parents.
Things were going smoothly until her father
decided to find out a little more about her
fiancé.
The prospective father-in-law asked,
"Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.
I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
••
My wife came downstairs this morning with
a tube of super-glue stuck up her nose.
I said, "What are you doing, you idiot?"
She replied, "You're the idiot.
You're trying to mend your glasses with nasal
spray."
a tube of super-glue stuck up her nose.
I said, "What are you doing, you idiot?"
She replied, "You're the idiot.
You're trying to mend your glasses with nasal
spray."
••••
