••
♥
How do you explain the concept of appetizers
to folks from starving third world countries? "Yeah that's the food we eat before we eat our
actual food."
"Desert? Oh that's the food we eat after we eat
our actual food."
••
Two Babies are sitting in cribs next to one
another. One baby asks the other "Are you a boy or a
girl?"
The other baby shrugs and says "I wouldn't
know the difference."
The first baby say "I do" and crawls over the
railing into the other crib, dives under the
blanket an emerges a minute later.
"You're a girl!" He says proudly.
"How did you figure that out?" asks the baby
girl.
"Simple.' says the little boy, "You're wearing
pink booties!"
••
I'm gonna start distilling my own Vodka and
name it "Responsibly" Hello free advertising!
••
"So how exactly did you get a cellphone stuck
in there?" asked the ER Doctor. So I'm at a party the earlier tonight and I
stepped outside to smoke and I see a young
lady on her cellphone having one of those
conversations where its all drama and and
crying.
I heard the girl complaining at what a whore
her Mother was.
I guess asking for Mom's number was poor
etiquette...
••
President Obama will visit Pope Francis.
The president said, "I'm looking forward to
meeting the one old white guy who's not
bashing Obamacare."
••
At the beginning of my shift I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
••
Why was the cannibal banned from the pizza
restaurant? Because he kept asking about the "family meal
deal".
••
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it
any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years
he had been stealing building supplies from the
lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough
for my son's house.
And houses for our two daughters and our
cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said.
"I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance.
Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied.
"But if you can get the plans, I can get the
lumber."
••
Showing his friend around his home,
Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long
years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece
we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before
you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
••
A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight
heart condition, but I wouldn't worry about it." "Really, Doc?" the patient replied.
"Well, if you had a slight heart condition I
wouldn't worry about it either."
••
My dog has never been so happy.
I got him a blow up leg for Christmas.••••
