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I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me
to do the splits?"
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
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I've noticed the strangest thing about men who
hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to
be there: They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.
hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to
be there: They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.
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Today I finally and fermly told my wife I was
going to build a mancave.
You know, an all male retreat where a man can
go to just relax without fear of upsetting any
female sensibilities.
To my surprise she said OK.
Then she opened the back door,handed me a
shovel and said "go to it."
going to build a mancave.
You know, an all male retreat where a man can
go to just relax without fear of upsetting any
female sensibilities.
To my surprise she said OK.
Then she opened the back door,handed me a
shovel and said "go to it."
••
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a
whiskey.
When the bartender delivered the drink, the
cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the
hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy
asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown
paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper
trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy.
"What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
whiskey.
When the bartender delivered the drink, the
cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the
hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy
asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown
paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper
trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy.
"What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
••
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
••
They say that most airline seats on planes
today are meant for 170-pound passengers.
The last time the average American weighed
170 pounds, the Wright Brothers were flying
the plane.
today are meant for 170-pound passengers.
The last time the average American weighed
170 pounds, the Wright Brothers were flying
the plane.
••
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain
who inspected his sailors, and afterward told
the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if
the sailors would change their underwear
occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see
to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth
deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you
guys smell bad and wants you to change your
underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and
Brown, you change with Schultz.
Now GET TO IT!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone
may come along and promise "Change",
but don't count on things smelling any better.
who inspected his sailors, and afterward told
the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if
the sailors would change their underwear
occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see
to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth
deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you
guys smell bad and wants you to change your
underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and
Brown, you change with Schultz.
Now GET TO IT!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone
may come along and promise "Change",
but don't count on things smelling any better.
••
Justin Bieber's egg-throwing scandal is rocking
the judicial world.
If Justin is convicted of a felony, he could be
deported back to Canada.
American officials are hopeful they can get
"deported" changed to "catapulted."
the judicial world.
If Justin is convicted of a felony, he could be
deported back to Canada.
American officials are hopeful they can get
"deported" changed to "catapulted."
••
I'm desperately trying to figure out why
kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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Twenty men die and go to heaven.
When they arrive they are told to separate
into two lines.
One for all the husbands that are under their
wives control and they other for those that
control their wives.
After the men separate one of the angels
notices that their are nineteen men in the
first line and only one in the second.
The angel walks up to the man and asks why
he was so sure of his independence.
"That's easy," said the fellow,
"My wife told me to stand here!"
When they arrive they are told to separate
into two lines.
One for all the husbands that are under their
wives control and they other for those that
control their wives.
After the men separate one of the angels
notices that their are nineteen men in the
first line and only one in the second.
The angel walks up to the man and asks why
he was so sure of his independence.
"That's easy," said the fellow,
"My wife told me to stand here!"
••
Don't you just hate it when you go to the
doctor, and you're sitting on the examination
table telling him about your symptoms, and
with each new one you describe, he backs a
little further away?
doctor, and you're sitting on the examination
table telling him about your symptoms, and
with each new one you describe, he backs a
little further away?
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