••
♥
The in-laws have just learned how to send text
messages on their cell phones.
My mother-in-law is the romantic type and my
father-in-law is more of a no-nonsense guy.
This past Saturday, my mother-in-law went out
to lunch with a friend.
She decided to send her husband a romantic
text message.
She wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your
dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
My father-in-law texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
messages on their cell phones.
My mother-in-law is the romantic type and my
father-in-law is more of a no-nonsense guy.
This past Saturday, my mother-in-law went out
to lunch with a friend.
She decided to send her husband a romantic
text message.
She wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your
dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
My father-in-law texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
••
I went back to see my doctor today.
I said, "I applied the penis enlargement cream
that you gave me this morning and I got a very
nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
"On the bus."I said.....
I said, "I applied the penis enlargement cream
that you gave me this morning and I got a very
nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
"On the bus."I said.....
••
I was teaching my science class about the
female anatomy:
"This is the vagina".
This is the clitoris, and this is the anus.
Any questions?"
"Yes," said one of the pupils,
"Can I put my knickers back on now?"
I was teaching my science class about the
female anatomy:
"This is the vagina".
This is the clitoris, and this is the anus.
Any questions?"
"Yes," said one of the pupils,
"Can I put my knickers back on now?"
••
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to
avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of
him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for
reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton
in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the
box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of
him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for
reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton
in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the
box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
••
If you are asked to join a parade,
don't march behind the elephants.
don't march behind the elephants.
••
A young lad knocked on the door last night and
said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're
just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it?......
said "Trick or Treat?"
I said "What have you come as?"
He said "A werewolf."
I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're
just in normal clothes"
He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it?......
••
The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a
local casino and asked to have her husband
paged.
"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "but the house
does not make doctor calls."
The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a
local casino and asked to have her husband
paged.
"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "but the house
does not make doctor calls."
••
After discovering her young daughter playing
doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry
mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged
him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to
explore their sexuality by playing doctor at
their age." the neighbor said.
"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled.
"He took out her appendix!"
doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry
mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged
him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to
explore their sexuality by playing doctor at
their age." the neighbor said.
"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled.
"He took out her appendix!"
••
"Programming today is a race between software
engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning."
engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning."
••
Health authorities say they're seeing a massive
increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases
and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of
diseases we can no longer treat.
That's great news, huh?
We finally get healthcare and now we've got
diseases you can't treat.
increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases
and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of
diseases we can no longer treat.
That's great news, huh?
We finally get healthcare and now we've got
diseases you can't treat.
••
Dean, an electronics salesman, makes a sales
call and a little kid answers the phone.
Dean: Hello, little fellow.
Can I speak to your mother?
Little kid : She is not at home.
Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?
Little kid: Ya, my sis.
Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?
Little kid: All right.
There was a long silence..... Then:
Little kid: Hello?
Dean: Oh, it’s you again.
I thought you were going to call your sister.
Little kid: I tried.
The trouble is, I can’t get her out of the
playpen.
call and a little kid answers the phone.
Dean: Hello, little fellow.
Can I speak to your mother?
Little kid : She is not at home.
Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?
Little kid: Ya, my sis.
Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?
Little kid: All right.
There was a long silence..... Then:
Little kid: Hello?
Dean: Oh, it’s you again.
I thought you were going to call your sister.
Little kid: I tried.
The trouble is, I can’t get her out of the
playpen.
••
If you are not the lead dog,
the scenery never changes.
the scenery never changes.
••••
