Down Hummingbird Lane

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♥

What a rip-off! Once I ate in a Hollywood
restaurant that had a big sign outside'
"EAT WITH THE STARS."
Turns out the restaurant was a converted
planetarium.

 

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A blonde was filling out a job application form.
She quickly filled out the columns entitled:
Name, Age, Address, etc.
Finally, she came to the column: Salary
Expected.
 She wrote, "YES."

 

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Four members of the clergy had a theological
argument, with the three male ministers
siding against the female minister.
The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right.
Please send us a divine sign to prove it."
A big storm cloud materialized, and there was
a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman.
"It's a sign from above."
The three clergymen disagreed, saying
thunder is a common phenomenon.
"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a
bigger sign."
This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a
tree.
"See! I told you I was right," the woman said.
But the men insisted nothing had happened
that couldn't be explained by natural causes.
"Help me, Lord," the woman implored.
And a deep voice came from the heavens:
"SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"
The woman turned to the three clergymen
and asked, "Well?"
"So, okay," they said.
"Now it's three against two."

 

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I got a job with the local hostage negotiators.
I tried to call in sick last week, but the bastards
talked me out of it.

 

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Comebacks to that all time favorite question
"Why Aren't You Married Yet?".......
* I was hoping to do something meaningful
with my life.
* It gives my mother something to live for.
* My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
* They just opened a great singles bar on my
block.

 

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Why are there so many Jones's in the phone
book?
Because they all have phones.

 

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One day a wife complained, "This wall clock
almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the
couch."
The husband grunted and replied,
"The darn clock always was slow."

 

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I just got in touch with my inner self.
I hate cheap toilet paper.

 

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve
the deer meat for dinner.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't
eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell
them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for
dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter
keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint.
It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy!
It's a asshole....

 

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AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has
gone through labor to have sex again.

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