Down Hummingbird Lane

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New paint store just opened up by my place,
so I decided as any red-blooded, sexually
repressed young lad to pay it a visit.
When I went in I saw signs all over advertising
the newest color: "Natural Blonde".
There weren't any samples around, so I asked
the clerk to describe it to me.
He replied, "Natural Blonde? Wonderful new
paint: not too bright, but spreads easily!"

 

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I told the missus she has a lot in common with
my cigarettes.
"Is it because I calm you down and you're
addicted to me?, she asked.....
I said, "No.
You're costing me a fortune while you slowly
killing me."

 

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There was a costume party at a mental hospital;
 the theme of the party was "war".
The first person comes up onto the stage and
says, "I'm an atomic bomb."
He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says,
"I'm a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the
stage and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically.
When one of them is asked why, he says,
"Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

 

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God was a Baseball Fan....
It's in the first line of the Bible.
"In the big inning..."

 

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When you get caught masturbating, do you:
 1. Pull up your zipper and pretend nothing was
going on?
 2. Keep pounding and hope she enjoys it?
 3. Get off the bus at the next stop and run like
hell....

 

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I gazed into her eyes
 My heart was pounding
 Lips trembling, unable to speak
 Sweat forming on my brow.

Went to the bingo and pulled this old dear
last night.
We were back at her place and I slid my hand
up her cardigan and started squeezing her tit
while nibbling on her ear.
After about 20 minutes I said "Is that good
for you baby?"
She said "You can keep up the ear nibbling
but please stop squeezing my colostomy bag"...

 

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She opened her petite little mouth and uttered
three words I'll never forget.
"That's him Officer"

 

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“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet
but nothing came up.”

 

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed
me, love me, provide me with a nice warm,
dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed
me, love me, provide me with a nice warm,
dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a God!

 

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How do you know  when you're staying in a
classy hotel in the south?
When you call the front desk and say,
"I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at
the front desk says, "awe shucks mister, go on
ahead."

 

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I walked around that craft store for 30
minutes before finally asking the guy stocking
shelves if he had Styrofoam balls.
Then we just stared at each other.

 

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