••
♥
So my wife says to me Honey! I've just come
from the medical center!
I'm eating for two now!
You're Pregnant?? That's great!
Pregnant? Oh God no.
I've just been daignosed a schizophrenic!
from the medical center!
I'm eating for two now!
You're Pregnant?? That's great!
Pregnant? Oh God no.
I've just been daignosed a schizophrenic!
••
I am a writer....... I write Children's books.
Perhaps you've seen or read one of my books to
your child.
My best seller was 'Grandpa Gets A Casket'.
It has lots of illustrations.
I also wrote 'All Kittens Can Fly' which did
really well until those stupid PETA people got
involved.
My latest book is 'Grandma's Medicine Cabinet
is Filled with Skittles'.
Pick up a copy as it would make a great
Christmas present for any child on your list....
Perhaps you've seen or read one of my books to
your child.
My best seller was 'Grandpa Gets A Casket'.
It has lots of illustrations.
I also wrote 'All Kittens Can Fly' which did
really well until those stupid PETA people got
involved.
My latest book is 'Grandma's Medicine Cabinet
is Filled with Skittles'.
Pick up a copy as it would make a great
Christmas present for any child on your list....
••
Having been married ten years and still living
in an apartment, the wife would often complain
about anything, as she was tired of saving every
penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new
apartment, within their budget.
However, after the first week, she began
complaining again.
"John," she said, "I don't like this place at all.
There are no curtains in the bathroom.
The neighbors can see me every time I take a
bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband.
"If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy
curtains...."
in an apartment, the wife would often complain
about anything, as she was tired of saving every
penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new
apartment, within their budget.
However, after the first week, she began
complaining again.
"John," she said, "I don't like this place at all.
There are no curtains in the bathroom.
The neighbors can see me every time I take a
bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband.
"If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy
curtains...."
••
The seven Dwarfs were all in the hot tub feeling
Happy, until Happy got out.
Then they started feeling grumpy!
Happy, until Happy got out.
Then they started feeling grumpy!
••
A blonde goes into a music store and asks the
guy who works there where the country music
CD's are.
The salesman replies, "Try the other side."
So the blonde moves to his other ear and says,
"Where are the country music CD's?"
guy who works there where the country music
CD's are.
The salesman replies, "Try the other side."
So the blonde moves to his other ear and says,
"Where are the country music CD's?"
••
I'm not much of a figher....
last time I got in a fight, I woke up in a pool of
my own blood trying to pick up my teeth with
broken fingers.
I'll know better than to answer my wife's
question, 'Does this dress make me look fat?'
next time.
last time I got in a fight, I woke up in a pool of
my own blood trying to pick up my teeth with
broken fingers.
I'll know better than to answer my wife's
question, 'Does this dress make me look fat?'
next time.
••
Jesus and Moses playing golf.....
Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd
par 3, with water hazard.
Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball
into the water;
"I don't understand", he said,
"I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green
on this same hole yesterday!"
Again he dropped a ball on the ground and
repeated the shot with the same results....
Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never
make it across"
Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and
repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the
water short of the green.
"That was my last ball!"
Jesus remarked as he walked across the water
fishing for his lost balls.
A foursome approached the green and one man
replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replied, "He thinks he is Arnold Palmer"
Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd
par 3, with water hazard.
Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball
into the water;
"I don't understand", he said,
"I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green
on this same hole yesterday!"
Again he dropped a ball on the ground and
repeated the shot with the same results....
Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never
make it across"
Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and
repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the
water short of the green.
"That was my last ball!"
Jesus remarked as he walked across the water
fishing for his lost balls.
A foursome approached the green and one man
replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replied, "He thinks he is Arnold Palmer"
••
I know I'm an adult now, but I still hold out
hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
••
Over drinks one afternoon, John and Paul were
discussing former loves.
John explained that he once broke up with a
girl long ago because she seemingly had an
incurable speech impediment.
Paul remarked, "I'm shocked.
I never knew you were prejudiced against
handicaps.
What was the her problem?"
John took another sip from his drink, then
paused and reflected, "She couldn't say 'yes'."
discussing former loves.
John explained that he once broke up with a
girl long ago because she seemingly had an
incurable speech impediment.
Paul remarked, "I'm shocked.
I never knew you were prejudiced against
handicaps.
What was the her problem?"
John took another sip from his drink, then
paused and reflected, "She couldn't say 'yes'."
••
Microwaves are a great way to cut down the
drying time after giving your new puppy a bath.
Microwaves are a great way to cut down the
drying time after giving your new puppy a bath.
••
An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her
hearing went about 20' behind her and asked
"Can you hear me sweetheart"?.
No reply.
Moved to 10' and inquired again.
No reply.
5' and not a word.
A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear
me now honey"?
His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."
An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her
hearing went about 20' behind her and asked
"Can you hear me sweetheart"?.
No reply.
Moved to 10' and inquired again.
No reply.
5' and not a word.
A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear
me now honey"?
His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."
••••
