••
♥
Chuck Norris can make snow angels on a
concrete slab.
••
When I heard voices.......
I was required to see a Psychiatrist.
The Psychiatrist held up an ink-blot and asked
me to tell him what I thought it looked like.
I really wasn't in the mood.
He insisted I tell him.
So I looked at it for a minute and told him,
"It looks like Rorschach Standard Pattern #6 in
the test for Psychotic Disconnect Syndrome".
That seemed to make him sad.
So then I said, 'Okay, it's a Butterfly!'
(that cheered him up)
I was required to see a Psychiatrist.
The Psychiatrist held up an ink-blot and asked
me to tell him what I thought it looked like.
I really wasn't in the mood.
He insisted I tell him.
So I looked at it for a minute and told him,
"It looks like Rorschach Standard Pattern #6 in
the test for Psychotic Disconnect Syndrome".
That seemed to make him sad.
So then I said, 'Okay, it's a Butterfly!'
(that cheered him up)
••
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in
a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson
told his congregation, "There isn't anything that
will save us except to pray for rain.
Go home, pray, believe, and come back next
Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.
The people did as they were told and returned
to church the following Sunday.
But as soon as the parson saw them, he was
furious.
"We can't worship today.
You do not yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do
believe."
"Believe?" he responded.
"Then where are your umbrellas?"
a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson
told his congregation, "There isn't anything that
will save us except to pray for rain.
Go home, pray, believe, and come back next
Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.
The people did as they were told and returned
to church the following Sunday.
But as soon as the parson saw them, he was
furious.
"We can't worship today.
You do not yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do
believe."
"Believe?" he responded.
"Then where are your umbrellas?"
••
3 out 4 voices in my head tell me to act normal...
The other one is wondering if penguins have
knees.
The other one is wondering if penguins have
knees.
••
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to
Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission.
During a briefing on land mines, the captain
asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked,
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what
do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200
feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide
area."
Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission.
During a briefing on land mines, the captain
asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked,
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what
do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200
feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide
area."
••
In July, I caught a 140 pound Marlin.
It took me almost 3 hours to reel it into the boat.
Absolutely gorgeous fish.
I wanted to mount it.
But there were other people on the boat
watching me.
It took me almost 3 hours to reel it into the boat.
Absolutely gorgeous fish.
I wanted to mount it.
But there were other people on the boat
watching me.
••
My six year old daughter's so precocious,
she's already a professional photographer in
the making.
She likes nothing better than to take
photographs of her friends at school, often in
revealing poses, and develops them all by
herself in my basement.
The jury didn't buy it either.
she's already a professional photographer in
the making.
She likes nothing better than to take
photographs of her friends at school, often in
revealing poses, and develops them all by
herself in my basement.
The jury didn't buy it either.
••
“I was struggling to figure out how lightning
works then it struck me.”
works then it struck me.”
••
A neighbor of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a
relatively minor heart attack, and while he was
in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist
that he thought that his sex life was over.
The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron.
Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart.
After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4
times a week.
It'll be the best thing you can do for your
recovery."
So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron
tells his wife what the doctor had said.
His wife looked at him and told him, "That's
wonderful, Myron!..... Sign me up for twice."
relatively minor heart attack, and while he was
in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist
that he thought that his sex life was over.
The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron.
Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart.
After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4
times a week.
It'll be the best thing you can do for your
recovery."
So after his discharge (from the hospital), Myron
tells his wife what the doctor had said.
His wife looked at him and told him, "That's
wonderful, Myron!..... Sign me up for twice."
••
When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his
mother finish his vegetables.
mother finish his vegetables.
••••
