••
♥
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and
accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction....
••
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil
worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
••
Got in trouble for watching a woman breast
feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and told her husband to beat the shit out of me....
now I admit the flashbulb may have made the
baby cry....
••
If youre drinking champagne at 8 a.m. you're
an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice its just an early brunch.
••
While recently riding on the bus, standing up,
a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled
down the road.
She soon noticed a young man, who was also
hanging on to the same pole, staring at her.
Although this was somewhat annoying, she
decided to just look the other way.
Soon the bus came to a stop.
Clearing his throat, the young man said,
"Excuse me...... This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend
was slightly confused.
"Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," the young man said.
My friend was completely perplexed until the
young man added, "I just bought it at the
hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
••
On Christmas morning my daughter said,
I saw Santa last night"."Oh yes?" replied my wife.
"Was he cheery and leave you lots of nice
presents?".
"Not really" she said.
"He fell down the stairs and pissed on the
Christmas tree".
••
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister and a
rabbi were talking about "when life begins." The priest said, "It begins at the moment of
conception."
The minister said, "Well, I'm not so sure—
there's evidence to support the idea that life
doesn't really begin until a while later."
Then they turned to the other for his opinion.
"Well," replied the rabbi, I've always been of
the firm belief that life doesn't begin until the
dog dies and the kids leave home."
••
What if the purpose of College is not to actually
teach you anything, but rather to force you into working by giving you student debt to pay off.
I maintained a 4.0 average throughout college.
Unfortunately, that was my blood/alcohol level.
••
Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language.
One was telling the others about the difficulty
they were having in attempting to start a family.
He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable."
The second said," that's not the right word,
she is inconceivable".
To which the third replied, "You are both wrong
she is unbearable."
••
My friend set me up on a blind date....
Well, he was a friend at the time. Anyway, I called her up and said, "I can't take
you anywhere really expensive because I'm
broke right now.....
She was cool.
She said, "We can eat at Hardees, eight pieces
of chicken and four biscuits for $6.99."
She was a husky girl (you know, Sears catalog).
When we got to Hardees, she was moving!
I only got two wings out of everything!
She wouldn't even butter her biscuits, she
would pop a biscuit and then do a butter chaser!
I couldn't watch her eat the chicken.
She kept getting crumbs in her moustache.
She would have gotten it all if her teeth were in!
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