••
♥
I set a personal record on Christmas.
I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of
time.
I had all the presents back at my apartment,
I was halfway through wrapping them, and I
realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping
paper.
The paper I used said, Happy Birthday.
I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus
on it.
••
The Great Wall of China was originally created
to keep Chuck Norris out.
It failed miserably.
to keep Chuck Norris out.
It failed miserably.
••
Life Insurance Agent:
Don't let me frighten you into a decision.
Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the
morning, let me know what you think.
Don't let me frighten you into a decision.
Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the
morning, let me know what you think.
••
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer
keyboard and earned an online college degree.
keyboard and earned an online college degree.
••
Jerome and Lewis were walking home from
School one day when Jerome speaks up:
"My Daddy jus' bought us a new dawg, an he's
real smart too!"
"How smart is he?" asked Lewis.
"Smart enough so's he can read!"
"I don' believe that Jerome, no such thing as a
dawg that can read."
"I seen him do it, Lewis, I betchya twenty bucks
that he can read"
"Alright, Jerome, I'll take that bet."
And on to Jerome's house they go, where they
find the dog laying in the front yard.
Jerome goes into the house and comes back
with a newspaper and places it in front of the
animal, the dog proceeds to sit and stare at the
paper for quite a while.
"I knowed it! I knowed it!, that dog can't read!
He ain't said a word!
Where's my money Jerome?"
"Now wait one minute!
I told you that dawg can read, Lewis, I ain't said
nothin' 'bout talkin'!"
School one day when Jerome speaks up:
"My Daddy jus' bought us a new dawg, an he's
real smart too!"
"How smart is he?" asked Lewis.
"Smart enough so's he can read!"
"I don' believe that Jerome, no such thing as a
dawg that can read."
"I seen him do it, Lewis, I betchya twenty bucks
that he can read"
"Alright, Jerome, I'll take that bet."
And on to Jerome's house they go, where they
find the dog laying in the front yard.
Jerome goes into the house and comes back
with a newspaper and places it in front of the
animal, the dog proceeds to sit and stare at the
paper for quite a while.
"I knowed it! I knowed it!, that dog can't read!
He ain't said a word!
Where's my money Jerome?"
"Now wait one minute!
I told you that dawg can read, Lewis, I ain't said
nothin' 'bout talkin'!"
••
A young lady, visiting the London zoo, asked
the keeper where the monkeys were.
Keeper: "They're in the back, having sex."
Young lady: "Would they come out for some
peanuts?"
Keeper: "I don't know...... Would you?"
the keeper where the monkeys were.
Keeper: "They're in the back, having sex."
Young lady: "Would they come out for some
peanuts?"
Keeper: "I don't know...... Would you?"
••
One day mom was cleaning Little Billy's room.
In the closet she found an S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home
and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with
out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we
do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think
you should spank him."
In the closet she found an S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home
and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with
out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we
do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think
you should spank him."
••
I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
••
My brother was driving down the road that leads
to R-Ville, all twenty acres of it.
He saw a young person wearing a tee shirt and
jeans walking along the side of the road and, as is
to be expected in the rural areas of a few years past,
offered this person a lift.
The kid got in the car.
Now, this was a bright, sun shinny day and my
brother got a good look at the kid he picked up.
He said "You live down this way, son?"
The kid looked at my 50-year-old brother and
asked "What's the matter, pops?
Forget what a girl looks like?"
to R-Ville, all twenty acres of it.
He saw a young person wearing a tee shirt and
jeans walking along the side of the road and, as is
to be expected in the rural areas of a few years past,
offered this person a lift.
The kid got in the car.
Now, this was a bright, sun shinny day and my
brother got a good look at the kid he picked up.
He said "You live down this way, son?"
The kid looked at my 50-year-old brother and
asked "What's the matter, pops?
Forget what a girl looks like?"
••••
