••
♥
I just saved a shitload of money on Christmas
presents by discussing my political views with
family......
presents by discussing my political views with
family......
••
Help . . . I need dating advice . . .
I thought I was complimenting my girlfriend . . .
When I said: "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for
a fat gal."
she' sure didn't see it that way, though...
I thought I was complimenting my girlfriend . . .
When I said: "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for
a fat gal."
she' sure didn't see it that way, though...
••
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low
on cash after years of war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the
ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker,
to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars
for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a
Star, makes no difference who you are."
on cash after years of war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the
ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker,
to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars
for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a
Star, makes no difference who you are."
••
The year is 2013.
There are machines which can look through
skin and see bones.
There are machines which keep you alive
when your brain and heart have stopped.
There's even a machine that can tell you who
your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking,
a man sticks his finger up my arse and
wriggles it about a bit.......
There are machines which can look through
skin and see bones.
There are machines which keep you alive
when your brain and heart have stopped.
There's even a machine that can tell you who
your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking,
a man sticks his finger up my arse and
wriggles it about a bit.......
••
A young girl had not been feeling well and
went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "you're
pregnant."
"But that can't be.
The only men I've been with are nudists and
in, our colony we practice sex only with our
eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in
that colony is cockeyed."
went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "you're
pregnant."
"But that can't be.
The only men I've been with are nudists and
in, our colony we practice sex only with our
eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in
that colony is cockeyed."
••
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy.
They always slobber all over you...
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
"It's never okay to kiss a boy.
They always slobber all over you...
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
••
I made a cover for my hearing aid and now I
have what they call blue teeth,... I think.
have what they call blue teeth,... I think.
••
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he
meant by that."
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he
meant by that."
••
Business One-liners 102
* When you make your mark in the world,
watch out for guys with erasers.
* When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves
last.
* When your opponent is down, kick him.
* Whenever you set out to do something,
something else must be done first.
* Where you stand depends on where you sit.
* While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
lets you choose your own form of misery.
* When you make your mark in the world,
watch out for guys with erasers.
* When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves
last.
* When your opponent is down, kick him.
* Whenever you set out to do something,
something else must be done first.
* Where you stand depends on where you sit.
* While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
lets you choose your own form of misery.
••
You should be able to park in an "expecting
mother" parking space if you're waiting for
your mom.
mother" parking space if you're waiting for
your mom.
••••
