# 2180

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President Obama went Christmas shopping at
Best Buy in Virginia this week.
He had to go to Best Buy because he's not
allowed to go to Walmart, because China said,
"You can't buy any more stuff from us until
you pay off what you already owe us."
–Jay Leno

 

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I must be getting old.
My hearing isn't what it used to be.
They say that hearing is the second thing to go.
I can't remember what the first thing was.

 

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If you tell the police you were mugged by a
gang and desribe your family the sketch artist
will give you a free Christmas portrait...
 

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HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS
EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE
IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check.
That's how you can tell if he's in love."
 (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and
their food will get cold.
Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts
that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like
how their hearts are... on fire."
 (Christine, 9)

 

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A man appears before a judge one day, asking
for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and
then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking
a divorce."
"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story
house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is
that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is
'I have a headache' and the other story is
'It's that time of the month.....

 

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A little girl climbs up on Santa’s lap, 
and as usual, Santa asks, “Well, little girl,
what do you want for Christmas this year?”
The girl answers “Santa, I want a Barbie and
a G.I. Joe.”
Confused, Santa asks, “Doesn’t Barbie come
with Ken?”
“No, Santa. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe.
She fakes it with Ken.”

 

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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike
Authority found over 200 dead crows recently,
and there was concern that they may have died
from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of
all the crows, and, to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular
impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was
noted that varying colors of paints appeared
on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was
determined that 98% of the crows had been
killed by impact with trucks, while only 2%
were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist
to determine if there was a cause for the
disproportionate percentages of truck kills
versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly
concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout
crows could shout "Cah", not a single one
could shout "Truck."

 

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"Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?"
A. "One can read, one can write and one to
keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

 

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I went to the store to get my Christmas tree 
Last night.
The clerk asked me: "Are you going to put that
up yourself?"
"No you sick hick, I'm putting it up in the
living room."

 

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Three Russian workers find themselves locked up, and
they ask each other what they’re in for.
The first man says: “I was always ten minutes
late to work, so I was accused of sabotage.”
The second man says: “I was always ten
minutes early to work, so I was accused of
espionage.”
The third man says: “I always got to work on
time, so I was accused of having a Western
watch.”

 

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