••
♥
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid
because I believed in Santa Claus, and
unfortunately, so did my parents.
••
The classically minded among us may have
noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer e-mail program which uses the
musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis"
from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery
line on the screen, while the chorus sings
"Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis."
For those of you who have not studied Latin,
this translates to "The damned and accursed
are consigned to the flames of hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its
research!
noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer e-mail program which uses the
musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis"
from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery
line on the screen, while the chorus sings
"Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis."
For those of you who have not studied Latin,
this translates to "The damned and accursed
are consigned to the flames of hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its
research!
••
Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker
in history.
He left not knowing where he was going, and
upon arriving, not knowing where he was.
He returned not knowing where he had been,
and did it all on borrowed money.
in history.
He left not knowing where he was going, and
upon arriving, not knowing where he was.
He returned not knowing where he had been,
and did it all on borrowed money.
••
Sobel goes into the optometrist's office.
He opens the door and says to the receptionist,
"I think I need my eyes checked."
She says, "You're not kidding.
This is the Ladies Room."
He opens the door and says to the receptionist,
"I think I need my eyes checked."
She says, "You're not kidding.
This is the Ladies Room."
••
Women are like bacon: they smell great, taste
delicious, and kill you slowly.....
Men are like bacon: they're all pigs.
delicious, and kill you slowly.....
Men are like bacon: they're all pigs.
••
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to
California.
Yep, she has started a business telling people's
fortunes.
But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she
smells one's breath.
That, right, the sign outside reads:
Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.....
California.
Yep, she has started a business telling people's
fortunes.
But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she
smells one's breath.
That, right, the sign outside reads:
Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.....
••
Last christmas I got a goldfish.
He was a real talented goldfish.
He could breakdance on the table.
Only for about thirty seconds though...
Last christmas I got a goldfish.
He was a real talented goldfish.
He could breakdance on the table.
Only for about thirty seconds though...
••
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance
who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible
that he found in a dusty, old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-
other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot!
You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed.
A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million
dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth
anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some
guy named Martin Luther."
who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible
that he found in a dusty, old box.
He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-
other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot!
You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed.
A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million
dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth
anything close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some
guy named Martin Luther."
••
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
••
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch
when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what
was that for?
Pa said for forty years of bad sex.
Ma said oh and continued rocking.
Ma reached over and slapped Pa.
Pa said what was that for?
Ma said for knowing the difference.
when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what
was that for?
Pa said for forty years of bad sex.
Ma said oh and continued rocking.
Ma reached over and slapped Pa.
Pa said what was that for?
Ma said for knowing the difference.
••
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find
out."
When you are over seventy who gives a shit?
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find
out."
When you are over seventy who gives a shit?
•••
