••
♥
Someone knocked at my door this afternoon.
When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's
holding a cheese and tomato pizza.
"I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said.
"This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied.
"Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password
and wanted to show you what he was eating for
lunch."
••
In a recent article, The Kentucky Post reported
that a woman Anne Maynard had sued
St. Luke's Hospital.
She claimed that after her husband had surgery
there, he lost all interest in sex.
In response, a hospital spokesperson stated:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology.
All we did was correct his eyesight..
that a woman Anne Maynard had sued
St. Luke's Hospital.
She claimed that after her husband had surgery
there, he lost all interest in sex.
In response, a hospital spokesperson stated:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology.
All we did was correct his eyesight..
••
There was a young lady who came from Decatur,
Sang like a bird in a movie theater.
An alley cat heard
Her sing like a bird,
So he snuck in her room and he ate her.
Sang like a bird in a movie theater.
An alley cat heard
Her sing like a bird,
So he snuck in her room and he ate her.
••
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.
The person who answered said, "Bob is on
vacation.
Would you like to hold?"
The person who answered said, "Bob is on
vacation.
Would you like to hold?"
••
Was read on a public transportation vehicle
while in Orlando.
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to
lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and
watch your language...... Thank you."
while in Orlando.
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to
lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and
watch your language...... Thank you."
••
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for
goodlooking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow
shit and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,
"...but is this stool taken?"
goodlooking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow
shit and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,
"...but is this stool taken?"
••
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter
The Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it
after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully
enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".
The Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it
after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully
enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".
••
“The circus performer pulled his trapezius muscles
and now he is flying high on pain meds...
and now he is flying high on pain meds...
••
There is a story about the Irishman who drowned
while he was digging a grave for a friend.
He'd wanted to be buried at sea....
while he was digging a grave for a friend.
He'd wanted to be buried at sea....
••
The wife caught me creeping in early this morning.
"Where the hell have you been?!" She yelled.
"Sorry luv, got hammered and crashed at Dave's
house."
"Pete, you're lying!" She snarled.
"Is that so?" I sniggered."
How would you know?"
"Because when you went out, Dave came round
here for a shag."
"Where the hell have you been?!" She yelled.
"Sorry luv, got hammered and crashed at Dave's
house."
"Pete, you're lying!" She snarled.
"Is that so?" I sniggered."
How would you know?"
"Because when you went out, Dave came round
here for a shag."
••
After opening this month's electric bill,
I am no longer scared of the dark.
After opening this month's electric bill,
I am no longer scared of the dark.
••••
