••
♥
Reminds me of my safari in Africa.
Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several
days we had to live on nothing but food and
water." -- W. C. Fields
••
Judges don't always seem to make sense.
A man found himself in front of a judge on two
matters.
In the first, the man's wife was trying to get a
divorce because he was impotent.
In the second, his secretary wanted child
support.
The man lost both cases!
A man found himself in front of a judge on two
matters.
In the first, the man's wife was trying to get a
divorce because he was impotent.
In the second, his secretary wanted child
support.
The man lost both cases!
••
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control
and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
••
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was
about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth.
Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will
happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that
our side will win."
about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth.
Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will
happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that
our side will win."
••
Unable to attend the funeral after his father
died, a son who lived far away called his brother
and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and
send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00,
which he also paid, figuring it was some
incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month,
and finally the man called his brother again to
find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do
something nice for Dad.
So I rented him a tuxedo."
died, a son who lived far away called his brother
and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and
send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00,
which he also paid, figuring it was some
incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month,
and finally the man called his brother again to
find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do
something nice for Dad.
So I rented him a tuxedo."
••
My blonde girlfriend and I
Were out driving around in my car the other
day.
The weather was nice so I had the top down.
"This kids in that school bus must be from
another country" She said as we overtook the
bus on Highway 101.
"Why would you say that?" I asked.
"They are writing on the windows...
I wonder what language 'stit ruoy su wohs' is?"
Were out driving around in my car the other
day.
The weather was nice so I had the top down.
"This kids in that school bus must be from
another country" She said as we overtook the
bus on Highway 101.
"Why would you say that?" I asked.
"They are writing on the windows...
I wonder what language 'stit ruoy su wohs' is?"
••
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in
his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom
-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little
whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! this is going to hurt !!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Oh for goodness sake...Laugh, or at least groan.
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in
his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom
-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little
whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! this is going to hurt !!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Oh for goodness sake...Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...
Even these silly ....little cute.............
And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds to me like she's.....been...sweeping
around!!!
Sounds to me like she's.....been...sweeping
around!!!
••
A lady gets on a public bus.
Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus
driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and
waving her fingers at the driver.
The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her
and uses both hands in the same type of gesture
and waves all his fingers at her.
The woman holds her right arm out at the
driver and chops at it a few times with her left
hand.
Then the driver puts his left hand on his right
bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.
The woman then cups both of her hands under
her breasts and lifts gently.
So the driver places both of his hands at his
crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up
between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row
of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.
She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting
thing I have ever seen on a public bus!
What the hell were you doing?"
"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the
lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.
She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street.
I said no, we go to 10th Street.
She asked if we make many stops.
I told her that this was the express.
She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her
we go by the ballpark.
She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got
off."
Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus
driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and
waving her fingers at the driver.
The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her
and uses both hands in the same type of gesture
and waves all his fingers at her.
The woman holds her right arm out at the
driver and chops at it a few times with her left
hand.
Then the driver puts his left hand on his right
bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her.
The woman then cups both of her hands under
her breasts and lifts gently.
So the driver places both of his hands at his
crotch and gently lifts up.
Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up
between her derriere, and gets off the bus.
There is another woman sitting in the front row
of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange.
She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting
thing I have ever seen on a public bus!
What the hell were you doing?"
"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the
lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute.
She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street.
I said no, we go to 10th Street.
She asked if we make many stops.
I told her that this was the express.
She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her
we go by the ballpark.
She said "Shit, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got
off."
••
I am allergic to tequila , every time I drink it I
break out in handcuffs.
Just wandering is it just me, or does anybody
else have that problem ?
break out in handcuffs.
Just wandering is it just me, or does anybody
else have that problem ?
••
"Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"Let's not talk about such things at the dinner table."
Later, Dad asked: "Now, son, what did you want to
ask me?"
"Oh, nothing.....
There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."
"Let's not talk about such things at the dinner table."
Later, Dad asked: "Now, son, what did you want to
ask me?"
"Oh, nothing.....
There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."
••••
