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My mom always said I was like a punctuation
mark..
I am an exclamation mark when I should have
just been a period.
••
So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...
Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just
buffering or if he's having a stroke.
Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just
buffering or if he's having a stroke.
••
...Batmobile lost a wheel... Robin laid an egg...
and the Joker got away!
and the Joker got away!
••
A man was captured by a tribe of cannibals.
The cannibal chief licked his lips and asked,
"What was your job before you were captured?"
"I worked for a newspaper," he replied.
"The editor?"
"No, just a sub-editor."
"Cheer up. Promotion awaits you.
After dinner, you will be editor-in-chief."
The cannibal chief licked his lips and asked,
"What was your job before you were captured?"
"I worked for a newspaper," he replied.
"The editor?"
"No, just a sub-editor."
"Cheer up. Promotion awaits you.
After dinner, you will be editor-in-chief."
••
Mexico's Olympic team is lacking.
All their runners, jumpers, and swimmers are
in the US....
All their runners, jumpers, and swimmers are
in the US....
••
Was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
••
For many years I worked as a police dispatcher.
Well, one day I got a call from a lady,
very upset because a man was driving around a
Walmart parking lot exposing himself.
Well, I was very professional and took all the
information and was starting to hang up when
she added how upset she was by the whole
thing and "besides, if they want to take
those little things out and play with them,
they ought to stay home."
Needless to say I lost it at that point, sputtering
out "Yes m'am" and hung up the phone.
Well, one day I got a call from a lady,
very upset because a man was driving around a
Walmart parking lot exposing himself.
Well, I was very professional and took all the
information and was starting to hang up when
she added how upset she was by the whole
thing and "besides, if they want to take
those little things out and play with them,
they ought to stay home."
Needless to say I lost it at that point, sputtering
out "Yes m'am" and hung up the phone.
••
If your wife wants to learn how to drive,
don't stand in her way.
don't stand in her way.
••
"What does your father do for a living?"
"He is a magician; he saws people in half."
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, three half-sisters and a half-brother."
"What does your father do for a living?"
"He is a magician; he saws people in half."
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, three half-sisters and a half-brother."
••
Neither teenagers, nor cats turn their heads when
you call them by name.
No matter what you do for them, it's not enough.
Cats and teenagers can lie on a sofa for hours
without moving.
Cats have 9 lives; teenagers think they do.,....
you call them by name.
No matter what you do for them, it's not enough.
Cats and teenagers can lie on a sofa for hours
without moving.
Cats have 9 lives; teenagers think they do.,....
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