••
♥
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his
doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days
then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost
at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the
doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you
follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though,
I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.'
'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the skipping!'
••
I recently came into some money and decided
to buy my first home, a condominium right on
the beach.
Two months later my blonde girlfriend was
pregnant.
"How the hell did that happen?" I asked.
"You bought a condominium, didn't you?
So I went off of the pill"
to buy my first home, a condominium right on
the beach.
Two months later my blonde girlfriend was
pregnant.
"How the hell did that happen?" I asked.
"You bought a condominium, didn't you?
So I went off of the pill"
••
First thing - every single morning - one of the
secretaries in our office opened the newspaper
and read everyone's horoscope aloud.
"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be
a normal, level-headed person.
Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not," Gwen answered.
"You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."
secretaries in our office opened the newspaper
and read everyone's horoscope aloud.
"Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be
a normal, level-headed person.
Do you really believe in astrology?"
"Of course not," Gwen answered.
"You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."
••
My boss is without peer when it comes to the
rules and regulations that customs officials
must follow.
But when it comes to the law, well, that's a
different story.
We were attending a court case in which we
were prosecuting a smuggler.
The judge asked the court, "Who is making
these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed,
"I am the alligator, your honor."
rules and regulations that customs officials
must follow.
But when it comes to the law, well, that's a
different story.
We were attending a court case in which we
were prosecuting a smuggler.
The judge asked the court, "Who is making
these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed,
"I am the alligator, your honor."
••
A guy went into the Chevrolet dealership...
He wanted to check out the new Chevy Volt
they had on display.
After thouroughly looking at it and reading all
about it, he decided he wanted to buy one.
However, he told the salesman that he had
forgotten to bring his checkbook along with
him.
To which the salesman replied;
"It's okay, you can just charge it!!!"
He wanted to check out the new Chevy Volt
they had on display.
After thouroughly looking at it and reading all
about it, he decided he wanted to buy one.
However, he told the salesman that he had
forgotten to bring his checkbook along with
him.
To which the salesman replied;
"It's okay, you can just charge it!!!"
••
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy
as he nears the top of the ladder and starts
shaking and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over
giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
as he nears the top of the ladder and starts
shaking and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over
giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
••
The school phoned me today and said,
"Your son's been telling lies."
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good -
I ain't got any kids!"
The school phoned me today and said,
"Your son's been telling lies."
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good -
I ain't got any kids!"
••
The husband had just painted the toilet seat.
The wife was unaware so she sat on it and got
stuck.
The husband loosened the seat and called the
doctor.
He came over and saw the patient lying on her
stomach on the bed.
The doctor said: “It’s beautiful, but did you
have to frame it?”
The wife was unaware so she sat on it and got
stuck.
The husband loosened the seat and called the
doctor.
He came over and saw the patient lying on her
stomach on the bed.
The doctor said: “It’s beautiful, but did you
have to frame it?”
••
Sometimes you have to Photoshop your life.
Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the
background, focus on yourself & crop some
people out.
Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the
background, focus on yourself & crop some
people out.
••
Time is money, especially when you're talking
to a lawyer.
to a lawyer.
••••
