#2155

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♥

"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound
marshmallow, and when Iwoke up the pillow
was gone."

 

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Some boy scouts from the city were on a
camping trip.
The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to
hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and
said to his friend, "We might as well give up.
They're coming after us with flashlights.

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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the
great ones to public office.

 

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An American businessman goes to Japan on a
business trip, but he hates Japanese food,
so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's
any place around where he can get American
food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a
pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone
number, he goes back to his room and orders a
pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up
at the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts
sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did
you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says,
"We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

 

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Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus.
He left not knowing where he was going,
got there not knowing where he was,
left not knowing where he'd been and did
it all on borrowed money.

 

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I've been spending a lot of time in casinos
because, apparently, I have a gambling problem.
But I have learned something important to pass
on to you about how to deal with casinos when
you there.
Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive.
Then, go to your room, lock the door; go to the
bathroom and lock the door.
Then, take the quarters and flush them one by
one by one.
And the nice thing about that is so often the
toilet will back up and you will feel like a winner..

 

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We live in a society that's the most
knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse,
but the most likely to be eaten while staring at
our phones.

 

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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the
morning and was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire
him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill
and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the
morning.
He had a leisurely breakfast and drove
cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were
you yesterday?"

 

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Married life is very frustrating. In the first year
of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the
man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the
neighbors listen.

 

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Bad boys watcha gonna do...
Watching 'cops' on TV, makes it obvious how
discrimination is very much alive in the police
force, they seem to be arresting only the people
with blurry heads.
That's racial profiling.......

 

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As a funeral director, I take every chance I get
to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse,
it would be damn hilarious......

 

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