••
♥
When we were looking to buy property, I had
this over zealous realtor show us what can only
be described as a totally worn-out old farm.
I mean the land had just been worked to death.
The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really,
all this land
needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and
some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same
be said of Hell?"
••
Andrea told me that while she was playing cards
her friend called.
Her friend said, "What are ya playing?"
Andrea said,"Solitaire."
He friend (Judi?) said, "Yeah?
Who are you playing with?"
her friend called.
Her friend said, "What are ya playing?"
Andrea said,"Solitaire."
He friend (Judi?) said, "Yeah?
Who are you playing with?"
••
As a Viet Nam Vet I was telling the students
about an especially emotional visit to the Viet
Nam Memorial in DC.
A girl raised her hand and asked me if I was able
to find my name on the wall.
about an especially emotional visit to the Viet
Nam Memorial in DC.
A girl raised her hand and asked me if I was able
to find my name on the wall.
••
Three college students were rapping about who
they'd like to be cast off on a desert with.
The first one opted for Cindy Crawford.
The next one chose Pamela Anderson.
The third man chose Virginia Pipeline.
"Never heard of her." his companions protested.
"Who is she?"
"Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all,
making the headlines in the newspaper,"
replied the third man.
"See, here it is on page one:
FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"
they'd like to be cast off on a desert with.
The first one opted for Cindy Crawford.
The next one chose Pamela Anderson.
The third man chose Virginia Pipeline.
"Never heard of her." his companions protested.
"Who is she?"
"Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all,
making the headlines in the newspaper,"
replied the third man.
"See, here it is on page one:
FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"
••
A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a
crowd.
He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"
crowd.
He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"
••
Little Johnny and his Dad were at an auction
looking to buy a horse for their farm.
As his Dad looked over the horse, Johnny
watched with great interest.
His father ran his hands all over the animal,
up and down its legs, all over its rump and under
her belly.
"Whatchya doin' Pa?" askes Johnny.
"I'm giving her a good look over Johnny, if we're
gonna buy her I need to be sure she's in good
shape."
"Oh, OK" Johnny seemed to be satisfied with that
answer.
"Um, Dad?" said little Johnny after a brief silence.
"Yes Johnny?"
"It just occured to me that the UPS guy might
want to buy Mom."
looking to buy a horse for their farm.
As his Dad looked over the horse, Johnny
watched with great interest.
His father ran his hands all over the animal,
up and down its legs, all over its rump and under
her belly.
"Whatchya doin' Pa?" askes Johnny.
"I'm giving her a good look over Johnny, if we're
gonna buy her I need to be sure she's in good
shape."
"Oh, OK" Johnny seemed to be satisfied with that
answer.
"Um, Dad?" said little Johnny after a brief silence.
"Yes Johnny?"
"It just occured to me that the UPS guy might
want to buy Mom."
••
The government shut down may last a long time....
We've learned the democrats won't negotiate
until Nancy Pelosi blinks.
We've learned the democrats won't negotiate
until Nancy Pelosi blinks.
••
A foreign diplomat was sitting beside a very
beautiful blonde who possessed all the social
graces.
During the course of the dinner, he put his hand
under the table and started to feel her ankle.
She gave him a brilliant smile.
Encouraged, he went a little further and reached
the calf of her leg with the same results.
The lady smiled and he, becoming emboldened
with this encouragement, went above the knees.
Very soon, giving the diplomat a lovely smile she
leaned and whispered in his ear: "When you get
far enough to discover that I'm a man, don't
change the expression on your face-I'm Secret
Agent #013."
beautiful blonde who possessed all the social
graces.
During the course of the dinner, he put his hand
under the table and started to feel her ankle.
She gave him a brilliant smile.
Encouraged, he went a little further and reached
the calf of her leg with the same results.
The lady smiled and he, becoming emboldened
with this encouragement, went above the knees.
Very soon, giving the diplomat a lovely smile she
leaned and whispered in his ear: "When you get
far enough to discover that I'm a man, don't
change the expression on your face-I'm Secret
Agent #013."
••
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of
free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
••
Just saw a guy check out my wife.
Good luck buddy.
I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.
Good luck buddy.
I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.
••••
