••
♥
A very attractive lady was sitting in a fine
restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to
make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the
mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts
quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red
faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her,
turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says
"Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
••
A guy was shopping at the grocery store the
other day and tried to pay for his purchase with
his ATM.
After swiping it several times he told the cashier
that he didn't think it was working.
The cashier told him that she didn't think
anyonehad ever been able to get their driver's
license to work in the machine.
other day and tried to pay for his purchase with
his ATM.
After swiping it several times he told the cashier
that he didn't think it was working.
The cashier told him that she didn't think
anyonehad ever been able to get their driver's
license to work in the machine.
••
I'm emotionally constipated.
I haven't given a crap in days.
I haven't given a crap in days.
••
Well, a couple months back there was this trial
in the West Virginia courts.
A man was being tried for fornicating with a
sheep.
Anyway,the key witness was an old fella who
was walking along the highway by the farm
where the sheep was raised.
The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw.
"Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep
just'a eatin' grass.
And then this fella walks up from behind the
sheep, real quiet-like."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.
"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the
sheep close."
" And what happened after that?"
"Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a
couple of minutes.
THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around...
an' licked him!"
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned
over to the jury member next to him and said,
"You know... a good sheep'll do that."
in the West Virginia courts.
A man was being tried for fornicating with a
sheep.
Anyway,the key witness was an old fella who
was walking along the highway by the farm
where the sheep was raised.
The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw.
"Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep
just'a eatin' grass.
And then this fella walks up from behind the
sheep, real quiet-like."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.
"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the
sheep close."
" And what happened after that?"
"Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a
couple of minutes.
THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around...
an' licked him!"
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned
over to the jury member next to him and said,
"You know... a good sheep'll do that."
••
I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and
was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't
actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when
picking him up from school.
was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't
actually mine.
She says that I need to pay more attention when
picking him up from school.
••
The waitress said, "I get off in an hour."
I said, "I'll bet you do...
but I've never been able to last that long."
I said, "I'll bet you do...
but I've never been able to last that long."
••
Went to bed early last night with a banging
headache.
One hour later, I felt a prodding in my back and
turned round to see the wife poking me with a
broom handle.
I shouted, "What the hell are you doing?"
She said, "Ahh you bastard, you know how
I feel now, don't you?"
headache.
One hour later, I felt a prodding in my back and
turned round to see the wife poking me with a
broom handle.
I shouted, "What the hell are you doing?"
She said, "Ahh you bastard, you know how
I feel now, don't you?"
••
“Why is a clock like a vain, pretty lady?”
“It’s all face and figure, with no head to speak
of, is very hard to stop after it is wound up, and
has a striking way of calling attention to itself
every hour of the day.”
“It’s all face and figure, with no head to speak
of, is very hard to stop after it is wound up, and
has a striking way of calling attention to itself
every hour of the day.”
••
You know you've been watching too much porn
when it starts to look like 2 Brillo pads fighting
over a hot dog.
when it starts to look like 2 Brillo pads fighting
over a hot dog.
••
Upon returning to their car from a shopping
tour, one of the young ladies realized that she
had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her
birth control pills.
She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave
her prescription to the pharmacist.
"Please fill this immediately," she asked.
"I've got people waiting in my car!"
tour, one of the young ladies realized that she
had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her
birth control pills.
She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave
her prescription to the pharmacist.
"Please fill this immediately," she asked.
"I've got people waiting in my car!"
••••
