••
♥
I came home from the pub last night really drunk
again and my wife said, "You've got a problem,
you need to see a doctor."
I replied, "It's you who's got a problem and needs
to see a doctor.
You've got 4 eyes and you're all fuzzy around the
edges.
••
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton
participated in a spelling contest, who would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
"harass" is one word.
participated in a spelling contest, who would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
"harass" is one word.
••
A young boy on his way home from school
must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as
he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the
hookers why they always wave at him with
their pinkies.
They reply: "well, that is what size we imagine
your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers
repeat the tradition.
The young boy stops and drops his school
books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in
his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says,
"HI THERE LADIES!
must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as
he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the
hookers why they always wave at him with
their pinkies.
They reply: "well, that is what size we imagine
your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers
repeat the tradition.
The young boy stops and drops his school
books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in
his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says,
"HI THERE LADIES!
••
A farmer went to a hardware store and bought
a chainsaw that was advertised.
He asked the salesperson: “You say this can cut
down 25 trees per day?”
“Yes, sir! That is our guarantee.”
“What if it don’t do it?”
“Just bring it back within 14 days.
We will refund all your money, no questions
asked.”
After only one week, the farmer was back, angry.
“I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”
“What’s the matter, sir?”
“It don’t do as you say.
On fust day, it cut 7 trees.
On second, it cut 9 trees.
On the nex’ day it cut 11 trees,
nex’ day 12 trees, nex’ day 15 trees,
nex’ day only 9.
Then was Sunday, I gone to Church.
Not once did it cut 25 trees.”
So the salesperson fills out the necessary forms
for the refund.
“Just making sure it works,” said the salesman
as he started the motor.
As the chain saw made a loud VROOOOOOOOOM,
the farmer got scared and asked;
“What was that noise?”
a chainsaw that was advertised.
He asked the salesperson: “You say this can cut
down 25 trees per day?”
“Yes, sir! That is our guarantee.”
“What if it don’t do it?”
“Just bring it back within 14 days.
We will refund all your money, no questions
asked.”
After only one week, the farmer was back, angry.
“I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”
“What’s the matter, sir?”
“It don’t do as you say.
On fust day, it cut 7 trees.
On second, it cut 9 trees.
On the nex’ day it cut 11 trees,
nex’ day 12 trees, nex’ day 15 trees,
nex’ day only 9.
Then was Sunday, I gone to Church.
Not once did it cut 25 trees.”
So the salesperson fills out the necessary forms
for the refund.
“Just making sure it works,” said the salesman
as he started the motor.
As the chain saw made a loud VROOOOOOOOOM,
the farmer got scared and asked;
“What was that noise?”
••
A man declined an invitation to go to the zoo.
His explanation: “My eldest daughter does the
kangaroo walk, my second daughter talks like a
parrot, my son laughs like a hyena, my wife
watches me like a hawk, my cook’s cross as a
bear, and my in-laws think I’m an old goat.
When I go anywhere, I want a change!”
A man declined an invitation to go to the zoo.
His explanation: “My eldest daughter does the
kangaroo walk, my second daughter talks like a
parrot, my son laughs like a hyena, my wife
watches me like a hawk, my cook’s cross as a
bear, and my in-laws think I’m an old goat.
When I go anywhere, I want a change!”
••
A government employee sits in his office and
out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old
filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes
across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he
decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.
"For setting me free, I am granting you three
wishes.
So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.
"I wish for an ice cold beer right now!"
He gets his beer and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states
his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful
young girls reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous
females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish,
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old
filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes
across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he
decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.
"For setting me free, I am granting you three
wishes.
So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.
"I wish for an ice cold beer right now!"
He gets his beer and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states
his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful
young girls reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous
females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish,
"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
••
Bible teacher: “Where do you think God is this
morning?”
Johnny: “In our washroom.”
Teacher: “What makes you say that?”
Johnny: “Before I left, I heard father say:
‘Good Lord, how long will you be in there?’”
morning?”
Johnny: “In our washroom.”
Teacher: “What makes you say that?”
Johnny: “Before I left, I heard father say:
‘Good Lord, how long will you be in there?’”
••
A man was married to a native Indian woman,
and they went camping.
As he was erecting the tent, he asked his wife
to fill the jug with water.
She returned and he drank some.
It was the sweetest water he had tasted, so he
drank everything, and asked her to refill the jug.
She was gone a long time.
When she returned, he asked the reason for the
delay.
She replied: “White woman sit on well.”
and they went camping.
As he was erecting the tent, he asked his wife
to fill the jug with water.
She returned and he drank some.
It was the sweetest water he had tasted, so he
drank everything, and asked her to refill the jug.
She was gone a long time.
When she returned, he asked the reason for the
delay.
She replied: “White woman sit on well.”
••
Pirates are stupid.
If I only had one eye, there's no way I'd risk
losing the other one by having a parrot with a
sharp beak on my shoulder.
Pirates are stupid.
If I only had one eye, there's no way I'd risk
losing the other one by having a parrot with a
sharp beak on my shoulder.
••
Apple are currently working to bring pirates up
to date on technology, they have announced
that their next project will be the iPatch.
••
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at
an unattended bag on a train or bus and think
to yourself.
I'm going to take that.
I used to love the days when you could look at
an unattended bag on a train or bus and think
to yourself.
I'm going to take that.
••••
