••
♥
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
••
Why is it when you take a dump...
The chit is tapered ?
Answer: If it wasn't tapered your ass would
slam shut and wake up the neighbors.
The chit is tapered ?
Answer: If it wasn't tapered your ass would
slam shut and wake up the neighbors.
••
Two neighbors were sitting on a deck talking.
They saw their pretty blonde neighbor walk
behind her barn with a rake... Soon, they heard
a blood-curdling scream and they rushed over.
She was clutching her left leg.
They took her to the doctor where they found
that her leg was broken.
Finally the neighbors asked her what she had
done.
"Well," she replied, "I was raking leaves, and I
fell out of the tree!"
They saw their pretty blonde neighbor walk
behind her barn with a rake... Soon, they heard
a blood-curdling scream and they rushed over.
She was clutching her left leg.
They took her to the doctor where they found
that her leg was broken.
Finally the neighbors asked her what she had
done.
"Well," she replied, "I was raking leaves, and I
fell out of the tree!"
••
Some friends were hoping their second child
would be a girl, and they even had a name
picked out.
The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex,
though, and since the expectant father had
orders from the Navy to ship out before the due
date, he told his wife,
"We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case."
But when it was time for him to report for duty,
they still hadn't decided.
At sea a few weeks later, he got notification
that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.
would be a girl, and they even had a name
picked out.
The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex,
though, and since the expectant father had
orders from the Navy to ship out before the due
date, he told his wife,
"We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case."
But when it was time for him to report for duty,
they still hadn't decided.
At sea a few weeks later, he got notification
that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.
••
It was early morning at the military base, and
the first sergeant was calling out names for the
daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!"
"Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally
silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first
sergeant's ear.
He looked again at what the last name really
said, quickly turned over the list and continued
calling the names printed on the other side.
the first sergeant was calling out names for the
daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!"
"Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally
silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first
sergeant's ear.
He looked again at what the last name really
said, quickly turned over the list and continued
calling the names printed on the other side.
••
My wife bought g-string panties for the first
time.
She said she had a special night planned for us.
I can't wait...
I love sumo wrestling.
time.
She said she had a special night planned for us.
I can't wait...
I love sumo wrestling.
••
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the
office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait...
office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait...
••
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button
fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle
came off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob
fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off
in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.
( You're doing better than a friend of mine..
He was engaged to a contortionist till she broke it
off. )
fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle
came off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob
fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off
in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.
( You're doing better than a friend of mine..
He was engaged to a contortionist till she broke it
off. )
••
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the
library and said, “I have a complaint!”
“Yes, Ma’am?” said the librarian looking up at
her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was
horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked
“What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was
no plot whatsoever!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh.
So you must be the person who took our phone
book.”
library and said, “I have a complaint!”
“Yes, Ma’am?” said the librarian looking up at
her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was
horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked
“What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was
no plot whatsoever!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh.
So you must be the person who took our phone
book.”
••
A man goes up to his bosses office and says,
"Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other
companies are after me."
"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well
which companies would they be?"
The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas
companies"
"Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other
companies are after me."
"Well is that a fact?" his boss asked, "Well
which companies would they be?"
The man replies, "The electric, phone and gas
companies"
••
Little Johnny! was in english class when the
teacher asks "Can anyone tell me what an
Abstract Noun is?"
Johnny raises his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"It is something you can think of but cant
actually touch".
"Excellent Johnny! Can you give me an example?"
Apparenty "Your Tits" was not the correct
answer...
teacher asks "Can anyone tell me what an
Abstract Noun is?"
Johnny raises his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"It is something you can think of but cant
actually touch".
"Excellent Johnny! Can you give me an example?"
Apparenty "Your Tits" was not the correct
answer...
••
