••
♥
I went to the movies the other night and sat in
an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a
little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde
from the center of the row got up and started
working her way out.
"Excuse me.
Sorry! Oops.
Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry.
Oops! Excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient, so I
said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please'
message just flashed up on the screen and
mine is out in the car."
I went to the movies the other night and sat in
an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a
little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde
from the center of the row got up and started
working her way out.
"Excuse me.
Sorry! Oops.
Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry.
Oops! Excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient, so I
said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please'
message just flashed up on the screen and
mine is out in the car."
••
There's a fine line between kinky and domestic
violence...it depends on which cheek you smack...
violence...it depends on which cheek you smack...
••
Gus called me from work today and was
complaining about stomach pains.
Going along with his story, I asked him what
he had eaten today.
He said, "About an hour ago I had 2 bacon
double cheese burgers, two large orders of fries,
a medium pepperoni pizza, two chocolate cakes
and a strawberry milkshake."
"I think I know what's wrong with you" I said.
"you're probably just hungry."
complaining about stomach pains.
Going along with his story, I asked him what
he had eaten today.
He said, "About an hour ago I had 2 bacon
double cheese burgers, two large orders of fries,
a medium pepperoni pizza, two chocolate cakes
and a strawberry milkshake."
"I think I know what's wrong with you" I said.
"you're probably just hungry."
••
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
hideous that no one will associate with me,
touch me, or even talk to me.
Can you help?"
"Why, certainly!
Helping people feel much better about
themselves is my area of expertise.
I can start making you feel more confident
about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful!
What should I do first?" she asked.
"First things first.
Just walk over to the other side of the room and
lie face down on my couch."
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
hideous that no one will associate with me,
touch me, or even talk to me.
Can you help?"
"Why, certainly!
Helping people feel much better about
themselves is my area of expertise.
I can start making you feel more confident
about your appearance right here and now."
"Oh, I am so grateful!
What should I do first?" she asked.
"First things first.
Just walk over to the other side of the room and
lie face down on my couch."
••
Sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable.
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable.
••
To me, homosexuality is like math.
I mean I get that other people like it, I know it
exists, it's just that it hasn't been forced on me
since high school.
I mean I get that other people like it, I know it
exists, it's just that it hasn't been forced on me
since high school.
••
One thing that archaeological discoveries have
taught us.
Ancient people loved drinking from broken cups.
taught us.
Ancient people loved drinking from broken cups.
••
Police Tip:
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to
go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw,
then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to
go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw,
then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!
••
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that
ricochets through the trees and into the next
fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is
greeted by his unintended victim who angrily
tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore,"
says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had
plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"
ricochets through the trees and into the next
fairway narrowly missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is
greeted by his unintended victim who angrily
tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore,"
says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had
plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"
••
“I just saved a shitload of money on Christmas
presents by discussing my political views with
family......
presents by discussing my political views with
family......
••••
