••
♥
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he
does crying scenes.
••
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had
been any interest in his paintings on display at
that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner
replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired
about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of
your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor...."
been any interest in his paintings on display at
that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner
replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired
about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of
your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor...."
••
My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I
thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname.
She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction.
Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling
it that because she thought my penis was really
hard to find.
thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname.
She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction.
Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling
it that because she thought my penis was really
hard to find.
••
How do you tell the differences between services.....
You can tell by the way they follow the order
"secure that building"
The Marines will lob mortar shells at it til its a pile
of rubble....
The Army will dig foxholes and surround it with
barb wire.....
The Navy will turn off the lights, lock the door and
go home for the weekend..
The Air Force will sign a 3 year lease with an option
to buy.....
You can tell by the way they follow the order
"secure that building"
The Marines will lob mortar shells at it til its a pile
of rubble....
The Army will dig foxholes and surround it with
barb wire.....
The Navy will turn off the lights, lock the door and
go home for the weekend..
The Air Force will sign a 3 year lease with an option
to buy.....
••
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test
and he's flipping a coin.
At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again
The teacher says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "Checking my answers."
and he's flipping a coin.
At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again
The teacher says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "Checking my answers."
••
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was
a Porsche.
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was
a Porsche.
••
I was told... you are so stupid that the only woman
that has ever talked to you is the woman in your
gps navigator.
that has ever talked to you is the woman in your
gps navigator.
••
I can't seal the deal in my dreams.
I hit on women in real life and they're like,
In your dreams.
I'm like, No.
Not even there.
I hit on women in real life and they're like,
In your dreams.
I'm like, No.
Not even there.
••
You guys ever lied so much on a resume, you're
actually shocked that they gave you the job?
You lie so much you want to have a talk with the
company to make sure they're not messing with you.
Like, Hey, pssst, come here.
Are you sure about this?
Look at me, look at my resume.
Do I look like an astronaut?
actually shocked that they gave you the job?
You lie so much you want to have a talk with the
company to make sure they're not messing with you.
Like, Hey, pssst, come here.
Are you sure about this?
Look at me, look at my resume.
Do I look like an astronaut?
••
Nothing is right in this world.
I bought an apple computer.
Guess what I found inside.
A worm!
I bought an apple computer.
Guess what I found inside.
A worm!
••••
