••
♥
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat;
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the
candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in
bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full
of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that
won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your
ex-wives live.
••
A guy goes into a costume shop.
He says, "I'm going to a costume party and I
want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw
it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
He says, "I'm going to a costume party and I
want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw
it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
••
BBC: Burial space could run out in 20 years
Hope this doesn't lead to panic dying...
Hope this doesn't lead to panic dying...
••
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by
marriage.
marriage.
••
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?".
The guy answers, "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says
"That'll be five dollars", to which he replies
"What are you talking about? I don't owe you
anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the
conversation, then says to the bartender,
"You know, he's got you there.
In the original offer, which consitutes a binding
contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of remuneration".
The bartender's not impressed, but says to the
guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in
here?
I can't believe you've got the audacity to come
back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about?
I've never been in this place in my life", to
which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but
this is uncanny...... You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you!
Make it a scotch."
The guy answers, "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says
"That'll be five dollars", to which he replies
"What are you talking about? I don't owe you
anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the
conversation, then says to the bartender,
"You know, he's got you there.
In the original offer, which consitutes a binding
contract upon acceptance, there was no
stipulation of remuneration".
The bartender's not impressed, but says to the
guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.
But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in
here?
I can't believe you've got the audacity to come
back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about?
I've never been in this place in my life", to
which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but
this is uncanny...... You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you!
Make it a scotch."
••
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a
back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up
passion and purred... "I'll die for you"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye
lids and asked, "How many times?".
back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up
passion and purred... "I'll die for you"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye
lids and asked, "How many times?".
••
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the
Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
••
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin
out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just
found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just
found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
••
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't
leaving till 5:00...
Sincerely, Unicorns ....
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't
leaving till 5:00...
Sincerely, Unicorns ....
••
Two men were walking home after a Halloween
party and decided to take a shortcut through
the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at
one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after
catching his breath, "You scared us half to
death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at
night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.
"They misspelled my name!"
party and decided to take a shortcut through
the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at
one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after
catching his breath, "You scared us half to
death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at
night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.
"They misspelled my name!"
•••
