••
♥
You guys ever lied so much on a resume, you're
actually shocked that they gave you the job?
You lie so much you want to have a talk with the
company to make sure they're not messing with you.
Like, Hey, pssst, come here.
Are you sure about this?
Look at me, look at my resume.
Do I look like an astronaut?
actually shocked that they gave you the job?
You lie so much you want to have a talk with the
company to make sure they're not messing with you.
Like, Hey, pssst, come here.
Are you sure about this?
Look at me, look at my resume.
Do I look like an astronaut?
••
Nothing is right in this world.
I bought an apple computer.
Guess what I found inside.
A worm!
I bought an apple computer.
Guess what I found inside.
A worm!
••
Sara goes to a pet shop and asks the owner for a
yellow canary.
"I am sorry but I don't have any canaries,
but I'll show you something better," says Abdul,
the owner.
Then he shows her some pale green parakeets.
"I have my mind set on a yellow canary and that's
what I want," says Sara.
Abdul is not going to give up so soon and says,
"You can think of them as yellow canaries that
aren't quite ripe yet."
yellow canary.
"I am sorry but I don't have any canaries,
but I'll show you something better," says Abdul,
the owner.
Then he shows her some pale green parakeets.
"I have my mind set on a yellow canary and that's
what I want," says Sara.
Abdul is not going to give up so soon and says,
"You can think of them as yellow canaries that
aren't quite ripe yet."
••
Melissa was telling a coworker of the notice she'd
received of her Ten Year High School Reunion.
The coworker said.........
"So what year did you graduate?"
received of her Ten Year High School Reunion.
The coworker said.........
"So what year did you graduate?"
••
On Father's day, my little son came running
to me and demanded, "Dad, I want half of the gifts
you received."
When I asked why, he replied, "If it weren’t for me,
you wouldn’t even be a father."
to me and demanded, "Dad, I want half of the gifts
you received."
When I asked why, he replied, "If it weren’t for me,
you wouldn’t even be a father."
••
The contemplative routine of the convent was
being disrupted by the presence of workmen
converting the electrical service from overhead
lines to buried cable.
Mother Superior called the electric company's
complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is
unsuitable for our community.
You must make them stop cursing so much.", said
the nun.
"Very well, sister.
But you must make allowances for their habits.
Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will
still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company
spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term
they actually use is 'f**king shovel'".
being disrupted by the presence of workmen
converting the electrical service from overhead
lines to buried cable.
Mother Superior called the electric company's
complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is
unsuitable for our community.
You must make them stop cursing so much.", said
the nun.
"Very well, sister.
But you must make allowances for their habits.
Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will
still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company
spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term
they actually use is 'f**king shovel'".
••
Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.
Nobody will look for them.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate
chip cookies?
Seven...one to mix the batter and six to peel the
M&Ms.
chip cookies?
Seven...one to mix the batter and six to peel the
M&Ms.
••
I've decided to buy my wife a mood ring because of
her constant un-warned changing mood swings.
We've worked out that if it's green, she's feeling
happy but when she's angry it leaves a big red mark
on my forehead.....
her constant un-warned changing mood swings.
We've worked out that if it's green, she's feeling
happy but when she's angry it leaves a big red mark
on my forehead.....
••
Bill and Hillary were walking down the street and
noticed two black men in a car, they took one look
at Bill and locked all the doors.
Bill was like "That's right, I'm a bad ass, don't mess
with me... waitaminute, HEY THAT'S MY CAR!"
Bill and Hillary were walking down the street and
noticed two black men in a car, they took one look
at Bill and locked all the doors.
Bill was like "That's right, I'm a bad ass, don't mess
with me... waitaminute, HEY THAT'S MY CAR!"
••••
