••
♥
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police
stakeout at my local Blockbuster.
When a young man stepped out the door, a
group of officers pounced, cuffing him and
hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop
came over and said, "When they say the movie
is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
••
Our neighbor's dog shit in our yard, so my wife
told me to get a shovel and throw it over the
fence.
I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog
shit in our yard and the neighbors have our
shovel.
told me to get a shovel and throw it over the
fence.
I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog
shit in our yard and the neighbors have our
shovel.
••
The fossilized remnants of an asteroid that may
have caused the global extinction of dinosaurs
and other species more than 65 million years ago
has been found by a National Science Foundation
researcher.
Surprisingly, carbon dating indicates that
Aerosmith did the theme music for that asteroid,
too.
have caused the global extinction of dinosaurs
and other species more than 65 million years ago
has been found by a National Science Foundation
researcher.
Surprisingly, carbon dating indicates that
Aerosmith did the theme music for that asteroid,
too.
••
Linda, a college freshman brought home some
friends with new opinions to share with her
Bubbe.. (grandma).
Arguing with great intensity the coeds discussed
Darwin and the revisionists' attack on the theory
of evolution.
Bubbe spoke up.
"Heredity...environment.
Young girls thinking about such things? Feh."
"It's very complicated issue, Grandma."
"Complicated-shomplicated!
Please..... Even sixty years ago in Russia, we
knew the answer, 1-2-3.
If the baby looks like the father, that's heredity.
If he looks like the milkman, that's environment."
friends with new opinions to share with her
Bubbe.. (grandma).
Arguing with great intensity the coeds discussed
Darwin and the revisionists' attack on the theory
of evolution.
Bubbe spoke up.
"Heredity...environment.
Young girls thinking about such things? Feh."
"It's very complicated issue, Grandma."
"Complicated-shomplicated!
Please..... Even sixty years ago in Russia, we
knew the answer, 1-2-3.
If the baby looks like the father, that's heredity.
If he looks like the milkman, that's environment."
••
At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main
weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with
reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.
What would you consider to be your main
weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with
reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.
••
After thirty years of marriage there is still a lot
of romance and sex involved.
I just hope my husband doesn't find out about
it.
of romance and sex involved.
I just hope my husband doesn't find out about
it.
••
“There’s no way with any dignity can you walk out
of someone’s bathroom and ask, ‘Excuse me,
where’s your plunger?’ ”
of someone’s bathroom and ask, ‘Excuse me,
where’s your plunger?’ ”
••
After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was
walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate
us out of house and home."
After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was
walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate
us out of house and home."
••
“Funny how if I have breakfast in bed I’m ‘romantic,’
but if I also have lunch and dinner in there,
I’m ‘suffering from crippling depression.’
but if I also have lunch and dinner in there,
I’m ‘suffering from crippling depression.’
••
Mother: 'Why are you home from school so early?'
Son: 'I was the only one who could answer a
question.'
Mother: 'Oh, really? What was the question?'
Son: 'Who threw the blackboard duster at the
teacher?'
Son: 'I was the only one who could answer a
question.'
Mother: 'Oh, really? What was the question?'
Son: 'Who threw the blackboard duster at the
teacher?'
••
“I grew up poor, but to be honest, when you’re poor
as a child, you don’t notice because you just eat
food kids already enjoy.
Applesauce sandwiches for dinner again?!
IT’S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!”
as a child, you don’t notice because you just eat
food kids already enjoy.
Applesauce sandwiches for dinner again?!
IT’S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!”
••
I prefer to shop at a convenience store than a
supermarket.
The super market is a huge commitment.
Where a convenience store is like a one night stand.
Play it safe though, if you take the condom wrapper
off those sandwiches at the convenience
store you will pay a price.
supermarket.
The super market is a huge commitment.
Where a convenience store is like a one night stand.
Play it safe though, if you take the condom wrapper
off those sandwiches at the convenience
store you will pay a price.
••••
