••
♥
A married couple in their 60s are celebrating their
47th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant in Florence, Italy.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on
their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for all
this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the
world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -
two tickets for two weeks in CANCUN appeared in
her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is
all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will
never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish !
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful
should remember fairies are female .....
47th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant in Florence, Italy.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on
their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for all
this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the
world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -
two tickets for two weeks in CANCUN appeared in
her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is
all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will
never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish !
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful
should remember fairies are female .....
••
"Doctor I'm worried about the size of my penis,"
I said, "The last three girls I've had sex with have
been begging me to stop."
"A lot of men would envy that," he told me.
"Really? Even when they scream 'it tickles, it tickles'?"
I said, "The last three girls I've had sex with have
been begging me to stop."
"A lot of men would envy that," he told me.
"Really? Even when they scream 'it tickles, it tickles'?"
••
A plastic surgeon who specializes in breast implants
is a front end manager.
is a front end manager.
••
The classically minded among us may have noted
a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer
e-mail program which uses the musical theme of
the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery
line on the screen, while the chorus sings
"Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis."
For those of you who have not studied Latin, this
translates to "The damned and accursed are
consigned to the flames of hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its research!
a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer
e-mail program which uses the musical theme of
the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery
line on the screen, while the chorus sings
"Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis."
For those of you who have not studied Latin, this
translates to "The damned and accursed are
consigned to the flames of hell."
Good to know that Microsoft has done its research!
••
I'm paranoid about everything.
On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror.
On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror.
••
"When we played softball, I'd steal second base,
then I'd feel guilty and go back." - Woody Allen
then I'd feel guilty and go back." - Woody Allen
••
New York second; the time between when the light
turns green and the car behind you honks.
turns green and the car behind you honks.
••
The only thing worse than it raining after you
wash your car...
Is having to poop as soon as you get out of the
shower.....
wash your car...
Is having to poop as soon as you get out of the
shower.....
••
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday,
for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.
I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they
become extinct .
The salesman seemed like a nice guy, (a black man
wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) he sat in the
passenger seat describing the truck and all its
“wonderful” options.
The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to
your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your
butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that
this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was
a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama truck,
the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership.
for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.
I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they
become extinct .
The salesman seemed like a nice guy, (a black man
wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) he sat in the
passenger seat describing the truck and all its
“wonderful” options.
The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to
your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your
butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that
this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was
a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama truck,
the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership.
••
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen,
‘what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?’
I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken please”
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard,
I was talking to the cat!’
when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen,
‘what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?’
I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken please”
She replied, ‘You’re having soup you fat bastard,
I was talking to the cat!’
••
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man
with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
••••
