# 2100

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♥

 

 

Two Ducks are having a leisurely flight to the pond
when all of a sudden an F-15 jet screams by at
Mach 2.
The two ducks are thrown into tailspins, feathers
flying everywhere.
I few moments later they compose themselves and
correct their flight.
“Wow” Said the first Duck, “That guy sure was
moving!”
“You would be too” Says the second “If you had
two assholes and they were both on fire!”

 

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“Even after 20 years of marriage, there is still this
tension between my wife’s father and me.
He’s always giving me a look like, ‘You’re having
sex with my daughter.’
And I’m always giving him a look like, ‘Barely.’

 

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I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my
ears."
He said, "Don't answer it!"

 

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows
what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

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“Inventor of Etch-A-Sketch dies in France.
His family is shaken but ready to start over.”

 

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty, Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance.... Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to
spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me,
can you bring me a drink of water?"

 

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“Just got a bill in the mail that said, ‘Final Notice.’
So that’s a relief.”

 

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Jack Benny swears that one evening when he was
invited to play for the President, a guard stopped
outside the White House gate and asked,
"Whatcha got in that case, Mr. Benny?"
Benny answered solemnly, "A machine gun."
With equal solemnity, the guard nodded.
"Enter, friend......
I was afraid for a minute it was your violin!"

 

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“I was watching ‘Annie Hall’ on TV, and my
girlfriend came home and started complaining
about her office drama.
She asked me, ‘Are you tuning me out for
‘Annie Hall?’
I said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry.
Was your story nominated for seven Academy
Awards?’

 

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“Pot has been legalized both in Colorado and in
Washington state, a development that calls not only
for a re-examination of our drug war, but also a
complete re-routing of my touring schedule.”
 -Bill Maher

 

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