••
♥
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Shut up and reload.
••
You're doing better than a friend of mine..
He was engaged to a contortionist till she broke it
off.
He was engaged to a contortionist till she broke it
off.
••
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton
participated in a spelling contest, who would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
"harass" is one word.
participated in a spelling contest, who would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
"harass" is one word.
••
Q. How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's
attention.
blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's
attention.
••
I'm emotionally constipated.
I haven't given a crap in days.
I haven't given a crap in days.
••
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth
green whenshe collapsed from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and
began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said,
"I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear.
I found a doctor on the second hole who said he will
come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice
stroking his putt.
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
green whenshe collapsed from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and
began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said,
"I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear.
I found a doctor on the second hole who said he will
come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice
stroking his putt.
"Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."
••
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
••
How do you tell the differences between services.....
You can tell by the way they follow the order
"secure that building"
The Marines will lob mortar shells at it til its a pile
of rubble....
The Army will dig foxholes and surround it with
barb wire.....
The Navy will turn off the lights, lock the door and
go home for the weekend..
The Air Force will sign a 3 year lease with an option
to buy.....
You can tell by the way they follow the order
"secure that building"
The Marines will lob mortar shells at it til its a pile
of rubble....
The Army will dig foxholes and surround it with
barb wire.....
The Navy will turn off the lights, lock the door and
go home for the weekend..
The Air Force will sign a 3 year lease with an option
to buy.....
••
I was told... you are so stupid that the only woman
that has ever talked to you is the woman in your
gps navigator.
that has ever talked to you is the woman in your
gps navigator.
••
You guys ever lied so much on a resume, you're
actually shocked that they gave you the job?
You lie so much you want to have a talk with the
company to make sure they're not messing with you.
Like, Hey, pssst, come here.
Are you sure about this?
Look at me, look at my resume.
Do I look like an astronaut?
actually shocked that they gave you the job?
You lie so much you want to have a talk with the
company to make sure they're not messing with you.
Like, Hey, pssst, come here.
Are you sure about this?
Look at me, look at my resume.
Do I look like an astronaut?
••
Nothing is right in this world.
I bought an apple computer.
Guess what I found inside.
A worm!
I bought an apple computer.
Guess what I found inside.
A worm!
••
Sara goes to a pet shop and asks the owner for a
yellow canary.
"I am sorry but I don't have any canaries,
but I'll show you something better," says Abdul,
the owner.
Then he shows her some pale green parakeets.
"I have my mind set on a yellow canary and that's
what I want," says Sara.
Abdul is not going to give up so soon and says,
"You can think of them as yellow canaries that
aren't quite ripe yet."
yellow canary.
"I am sorry but I don't have any canaries,
but I'll show you something better," says Abdul,
the owner.
Then he shows her some pale green parakeets.
"I have my mind set on a yellow canary and that's
what I want," says Sara.
Abdul is not going to give up so soon and says,
"You can think of them as yellow canaries that
aren't quite ripe yet."
••
On Father's day, my little son came running
to me and demanded, "Dad, I want half of the gifts
you received."
When I asked why, he replied, "If it weren’t for me,
you wouldn’t even be a father."
to me and demanded, "Dad, I want half of the gifts
you received."
When I asked why, he replied, "If it weren’t for me,
you wouldn’t even be a father."
••
Jack, a young boy was asked by his teacher to spell
the word 'straight.'
Jack did so without error.
'Well done!' smiled the teacher, 'Now, Jack, what
does it mean?'
'Without water in it!' responded Jack immediately.
the word 'straight.'
Jack did so without error.
'Well done!' smiled the teacher, 'Now, Jack, what
does it mean?'
'Without water in it!' responded Jack immediately.
••••
