••
I took my wife to a beauty parlor for a makeover today.
In stepped a dreary looking, slightly sagging, middle
aged woman.
And out stepped a much more vibrant and youthful,
glamorous lady.
So I quickly went off with her before the wife came back
out.
In stepped a dreary looking, slightly sagging, middle
aged woman.
And out stepped a much more vibrant and youthful,
glamorous lady.
So I quickly went off with her before the wife came back
out.
••
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when
his wife rings him on his carphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful.
There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is
driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds
of them!"
his wife rings him on his carphone.
"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful.
There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is
driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds
of them!"
••
Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
••
I spent spent last night in casualty on pain killers,
the Doctor said I should be fine in a couple of weeks so
I thought I would take the opportunity to warn you, that
the Dyson ball cleaner is not what I thought it was.
I spent spent last night in casualty on pain killers,
the Doctor said I should be fine in a couple of weeks so
I thought I would take the opportunity to warn you, that
the Dyson ball cleaner is not what I thought it was.
••
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and
my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard
to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in
the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires...
about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and
my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard
to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in
the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it,
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires...
••
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive
questions your wife asks for nothing...
questions your wife asks for nothing...
••
I love my priest.
At confession yesterday I told him I had met a lovely
Irish girl over the weekend and we slept together.
Accoring to him, I just need to go home and nail
Mary 5 more times and I'll be forgiven.
At confession yesterday I told him I had met a lovely
Irish girl over the weekend and we slept together.
Accoring to him, I just need to go home and nail
Mary 5 more times and I'll be forgiven.
••
Never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on
"How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday."
These are not considered gifts, they are considered
reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought
it and just may stand up in court of law.
"How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday."
These are not considered gifts, they are considered
reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought
it and just may stand up in court of law.
••
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a
near miss??..... It sounds like a near hit to me!!
near miss??..... It sounds like a near hit to me!!
••
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to
a prospective buyer.
As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives
and stopped.
"Those hives are pretty close to the road", he said.
The farmer explained that the bees just make honey and
have never stung anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed
that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight.
If he was stung once he would get the farm for free,
but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer
double the price.
The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the
tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over
and very pale.
"Oh no, the farmer thought, he got stung and now I have
to give him the farm!
"As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked
where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay, "gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you
double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a
mother?"
a prospective buyer.
As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives
and stopped.
"Those hives are pretty close to the road", he said.
The farmer explained that the bees just make honey and
have never stung anyone.
The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed
that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight.
If he was stung once he would get the farm for free,
but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer
double the price.
The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the
tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over
and very pale.
"Oh no, the farmer thought, he got stung and now I have
to give him the farm!
"As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked
where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
"No, no, I'm okay, "gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you
double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a
mother?"
••
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
together?
••••
