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♥

 

Ole decided to buy Lena a new car for her birthday.
They shopped and shopped. Finally, Lena found one she
liked. But before signing the papers, Lena looked at the
car one more time.
Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she didn't
want the car.
She wouldn't even talk about it.
On the way home, Ole said, "Vell, Lena, I tot yew liked
dat car.
Vat changed yer mind about it?
"Ole, I yust don't vant any car vit XL on it,"
Lena answered.
"It's bad enuff having dat on my undervear."

 

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Little Susie was walking to school one day wearing her
prettiest dress when she met up with little Johnny at the
playground.
Johnny had a bag of fresh baked cookies.
Johnny: If you climb that jungle gym, I'll give you a
cookie.
 Susie: But I'm earing a dress Little Johnny, i shouldn't.
Johnny: TWO cookies? They are still warm and so fresh.
Little Susie can't resist the thought of two fresh cookies
and climbs the gym.
When she comes back down Johnny smiles and gives
her the cookies.
This goes on every day for the next wo weeks until
Susies mom notices that she's putting on weight.
Susie explains to her mom that she's been eating a lot
of cookies and why.
Mom: Don't be so silly Susie, little Johnny is just trying
to peek at your underwear!
Susie: I know mom, but I fooled that Little Johnny,
I stopped wearing them a week ago!

 

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I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read "I can't take the
critism anymore".
I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.
As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes,
I said "That's not how you spell criticism".

 

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

 

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Joey frequently attends his church Bingo club, where
every week a gag door-prize is given out.
One week, Joey is presented with a toilet brush.
"What the hell is this?" he asks the pastor.
"Why, it's a toilet brush."
"Ooh, I see," says Joey.
A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Joey how
the brush is working.
"Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper."

 

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I think I’d be pretty good at reading braille.
I just need to get a feel for it.

 

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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land
in Oregon.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the
tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started
to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor
reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get
permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area."

 

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A man walks into a bar looking depressed.
The bartender comes over and, with a great show of
compassion, gives him a beer on the house.
"Something bothering you, pal?" the bartender asks.
"The wife and I had a fight" the man said
"She doesn't like it when I say the word 'bitch'".
"Why is that?"
"She thinks I need to learn her real name".

 

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