••
♥
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with
you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with
you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
••
My wife called me at the bar the other night and in an
effort to entice me home she said, "Hey sexy, there's a
naked woman lying in your bed."
"You two get started and I'll be over soon"...
wasn't the answer she was looking for.
effort to entice me home she said, "Hey sexy, there's a
naked woman lying in your bed."
"You two get started and I'll be over soon"...
wasn't the answer she was looking for.
••
God decided he needed a vacation.
One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and
got sunburned."
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied.
"I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."
A third adviser suggested Earth.
"That's the worst of all," God answered angrily.
"I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing
me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."
One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and
got sunburned."
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied.
"I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."
A third adviser suggested Earth.
"That's the worst of all," God answered angrily.
"I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing
me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."
••
How is a snail stronger than an elephant?
An elephant carries his trunk....
but a snail carries his house!
How is a snail stronger than an elephant?
An elephant carries his trunk....
but a snail carries his house!
••
I have a tattoo...
Of a W on one ass cheek, and a W on
the other.
So when I bend over, it says "WoW"
and if I do cartwheels, It says "WoW MoM WoW"
the other.
So when I bend over, it says "WoW"
and if I do cartwheels, It says "WoW MoM WoW"
••
A doctor, a lawyer, and a manager were discussing the
relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better.
If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems."
The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the
sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your
health."
The manager says, "You're both wrong.
It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're
with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with
your wife - you can go to the office and do some work."
relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better.
If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems."
The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the
sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your
health."
The manager says, "You're both wrong.
It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're
with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with
your wife - you can go to the office and do some work."
••
I don't mind coming to work, but it is the eight hour
wait to go home that is a bitch.
wait to go home that is a bitch.
••
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons
The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
raccoons
The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
••
Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a
sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing
them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of
them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing?
You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear,
I only have to outrun you!"
sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing
them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of
them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing?
You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear,
I only have to outrun you!"
••
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
••••
