••
♥
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture
of two hands holding stone tablets on which the
Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that
reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
of two hands holding stone tablets on which the
Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that
reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
••
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and
talk to the minister right away.
They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our
bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go
back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening..... Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and
look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin'
or goin'!"
talk to the minister right away.
They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our
bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go
back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening..... Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and
look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin'
or goin'!"
••
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday
morning, which was about half the usual length of his
sermons.
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog,
who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my
sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook
hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog
of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
morning, which was about half the usual length of his
sermons.
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog,
who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my
sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook
hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog
of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
••
A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife keeps
nagging him to mow the lawn.
Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this
one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity
to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat
grass.
But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes
flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject
of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"
nagging him to mow the lawn.
Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer just this
one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this opportunity
to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow, and a Horse, all eat
grass.
But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a Cow makes
flat pies, and a Horse makes clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up the subject
of the lawn, when it's obvious you don't know sh*t?"
••
My neighbour knocked on my door last night and I said
to him, "Don't tell me, you're not happy with my violin
playing?"
He replied, "No it's not that.
But could you play something my dog doesn't know,
just so he will stop trying to harmonise with you?"
to him, "Don't tell me, you're not happy with my violin
playing?"
He replied, "No it's not that.
But could you play something my dog doesn't know,
just so he will stop trying to harmonise with you?"
••
According to a new book called "The Hardness Factor,"
carrots, bananas and cucumbers are just as effective
as Viagra for men.
Actually, depending on the size of the carrot, banana
or cucumber, you might not even need the man.
carrots, bananas and cucumbers are just as effective
as Viagra for men.
Actually, depending on the size of the carrot, banana
or cucumber, you might not even need the man.
••
The Truth....
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one
compound and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself...
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one
compound and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself...
••
Some perverted twat stole my wife's knickers off the
washing line.
I can only assume he wanted to go camping and didn't
have a tent.
washing line.
I can only assume he wanted to go camping and didn't
have a tent.
••
My wife enjoys sports and anything else that calls for
an argument.
an argument.
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