••
♥
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other
planets.
Why should other planets be any different from this one?
planets.
Why should other planets be any different from this one?
••
Redneck Olympics.....
Skipping Rocks
The oldest and most traditional of all Redneck games.
The heavy-weight division is most popular, as contestants
try to skip bricks.
Skipping Rocks
The oldest and most traditional of all Redneck games.
The heavy-weight division is most popular, as contestants
try to skip bricks.
Flinging
Originated by an ancient Redneck trying to clean his yard.
A great fling is not only a beautiful thing to
watch, but often it is accompanied by the exciting
sound of something breaking.
Rowing
Not the most popular sport because most Rednecks
agree that,
"If you can't afford a motor, you can't afford a boat."
Long Jump
This sport is a Redneck favorite, since they all own
numerous sets of jumper cables and all their
vehicles have dead or dying batteries.
Hog Calling
The good ones can bring a sow into Times Square using
only their voice.
The great ones are often victims of sexual assault by live
pork.
Tracking
We're not talking about anything as sissy as following a
blood trail.
A good tracker can trail a grasshopper down the
interstate.
A favorite put down in this sport is,
"You couldn't track a slug across a sheet of glass."
Field Hockey
Who can run the farthest through a cow pasture without
stepping in "you know what."
A real exciting game when played at night with flashlights.
••
Paddy goes to buy a car with $100.
He asks the salesman - have you got any cars for a
hundred dollars.
Yeah he replies, we have one but its got no doors.
Paddy says - well how the hell am I going to get in it!
He asks the salesman - have you got any cars for a
hundred dollars.
Yeah he replies, we have one but its got no doors.
Paddy says - well how the hell am I going to get in it!
••
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage
out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied.
"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the
ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied.
"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
••
Quotes from Grandparents of the Future...
1. "Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of
mind-numbing crap to watch!"
2. "You call that *dancing*?
Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that
'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL
dancing."
3. "When I was your age, we didn't have surgically
implanted telepathy microchips!
When we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to use
a CELL PHONE!"
4. "Senility, my ass! I'm telling you President Hasselhoff
used to have a talking car!"
5. "When I was your age, we didn't admire the grace and
beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank!
No, sirree.
We *ate* the bastards -- right out of the can!"
1. "Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of
mind-numbing crap to watch!"
2. "You call that *dancing*?
Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that
'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL
dancing."
3. "When I was your age, we didn't have surgically
implanted telepathy microchips!
When we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to use
a CELL PHONE!"
4. "Senility, my ass! I'm telling you President Hasselhoff
used to have a talking car!"
5. "When I was your age, we didn't admire the grace and
beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank!
No, sirree.
We *ate* the bastards -- right out of the can!"
••
The Oklahoma tornadoes gave the ailing American
construction Industry a huge boost.
In fact the storm has already created more jobs than
President Obama...
construction Industry a huge boost.
In fact the storm has already created more jobs than
President Obama...
••
"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on
this course," sighed Mac, the golfer.
"Try heaven," advised the caddie.
"You've already moved most of the earth."
this course," sighed Mac, the golfer.
"Try heaven," advised the caddie.
"You've already moved most of the earth."
••
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at and Army
Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall
out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier
remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye
with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh,
sir?"
Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall
out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier
remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye
with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh,
sir?"
••
Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.
••
How can you tell if there is a redneck at your workplace..
1. He calls the mouse a critter.
2. He has a gun-rack mounted on the CPU.
3. His password is bubba.
4. He puts a Dale Earnhardt sticker on Windows 95.
5. You will find whiskey stains on outgoing faxes.
6. His printer is very slow as he doesn't read very fast.
7. He installs Dodge truck parts in the extra RAM slots of his PC.
8. You'll find that the menus all have Black Label, Old Milwaukee and Bud options.
9. His monitor is up on blocks.
10. You find a skoal can in the CD-ROM.
1. He calls the mouse a critter.
2. He has a gun-rack mounted on the CPU.
3. His password is bubba.
4. He puts a Dale Earnhardt sticker on Windows 95.
5. You will find whiskey stains on outgoing faxes.
6. His printer is very slow as he doesn't read very fast.
7. He installs Dodge truck parts in the extra RAM slots of his PC.
8. You'll find that the menus all have Black Label, Old Milwaukee and Bud options.
9. His monitor is up on blocks.
10. You find a skoal can in the CD-ROM.
••••
