••
♥
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a
space with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for
10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a
space with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for
10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
••
I've gotten so old, I now masturbate to reruns of
"The Golden Girls!"
"The Golden Girls!"
••
What time does the library open?" the man on the
phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "
And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle
of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed
voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly.
"I want to get out."
phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "
And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle
of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed
voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly.
"I want to get out."
••
If I won the lottery, money wouldn't change me.
It would change my wife though.
It would change my wife though.
••
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a
box with holes on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have
in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death
of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary
snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the
interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
box with holes on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have
in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get.
When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death
of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary
snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the
interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
••
I got my kid a BB gun for xmas and he....
got me a sweater with a target on the back.
R.I.P. -Rodney Dangerfield-
got me a sweater with a target on the back.
R.I.P. -Rodney Dangerfield-
••
When Paul McCartney's previous wife Linda passed away,
who was a vegetarian.
He came home and told the kids "I have good news and
bad news."
They said "what's the bad news?"
He said "Mom passed away."
They said "what could be the good news?"
He told them "we're having steaks for dinner tonight."
who was a vegetarian.
He came home and told the kids "I have good news and
bad news."
They said "what's the bad news?"
He said "Mom passed away."
They said "what could be the good news?"
He told them "we're having steaks for dinner tonight."
••
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live
with defeat.
with defeat.
••••
