Happy Fathers Day....
••
Trying to control her dry hair, the missus treated her
scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her
hair several times.
That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her
husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing her.
"Do I smell like Popeye?"
scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her
hair several times.
That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her
husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing her.
"Do I smell like Popeye?"
••
My wife was such a bad cook,
we'd say the blessing after
the meal.
the meal.
••
Imaginary friends..
Great company in the park.
Absolutely shit on a see-saw.
Great company in the park.
Absolutely shit on a see-saw.
••
Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let
someone know how you feel.
That's why you have two hands.
someone know how you feel.
That's why you have two hands.
••
Does anyone know why baby diapers are called Luvs
and Huggies, while old people diapers are called Depends?
Well, it's because if a baby craps in their pants, you are
still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
If an old person craps in their pants,
will they still be Luv'ed or Hugged?
Well, that Depends on if your ass is in the Will or not.
and Huggies, while old people diapers are called Depends?
Well, it's because if a baby craps in their pants, you are
still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
If an old person craps in their pants,
will they still be Luv'ed or Hugged?
Well, that Depends on if your ass is in the Will or not.
••
Letter to God....
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad!
He said some things about you that people are not
supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad!
He said some things about you that people are not
supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)
••
A nagging wife to her husband: “You don’t care.
Something is preying on my mind.”
Husband: “Don’t you panic, it will find nothing.”
Something is preying on my mind.”
Husband: “Don’t you panic, it will find nothing.”
••
In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks
"Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says "Forty".
The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers "Nineteen".
The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could
get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old are you?"
The little girl says "I'm seven years old".
The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant".
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and
says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
"Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old is your mother?"
The little girl says "Forty".
The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers "Nineteen".
The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could
get pregnant".
The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks "How old are you?"
The little girl says "I'm seven years old".
The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant".
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and
says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
••
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're still here."
it's almost like you're still here."
••••
