••
♥
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.
1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?2nd Soldier: I didn’t have a wife and I loved war.
So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?
1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!
••
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers!
••
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time.
He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card,
a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the
game UNO.
••
I'm trying to organise a Speed Groping night.
I don't know if it'll happen....... it's touch and go.
••
Life is a lot like toilet paper.
You're either on a roll.. or you're taking shit from somearsehole.
••
Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley,
a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone
he has never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with
her all night.”“Don’t worry.” Danny says.
“Just go up to her door and meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned.
If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma
attack.”
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley's door, and when she
comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts,
“Aaauuuggghhh!”
••
A fifth grader looked down, so her teacher asked
"What's the problem, Carol?...I hope it's not homework again". "Well, uh, yes, it is" replied Carol.
"I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper
airplane".
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do"
said the teacher "but this once I'll let you just unfold the
paper and hand it in".
"Oh, but that won't work" said Carol, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked..."
••
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
