••
♥
Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile
house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all
over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get
them back in their cages.
Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"
house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all
over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get
them back in their cages.
Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"
••
“I went to Cairo, but I don't remember if I saw the river
or not.
I wonder if I am senile.”
or not.
I wonder if I am senile.”
••
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough
times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who
looked after me in sickness and kept the business going,
I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated
me, argued with me, and thought that I would never
mention him in my will - well you are wrong..... Hi Dan!"
mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough
times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who
looked after me in sickness and kept the business going,
I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated
me, argued with me, and thought that I would never
mention him in my will - well you are wrong..... Hi Dan!"
••
Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.
••
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch,
the physiatrist began his therapy session,
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said.
"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient.
"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
the physiatrist began his therapy session,
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said.
"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient.
"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
••
Some people have nothing to say, but you have to listen a
long time to find out.
long time to find out.
••
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory,
and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his
factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would
just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father
thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the
heart of the factory.
With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come
sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have
a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes
a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said,
"Yes son, we call it your mother."
and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his
factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would
just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father
thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the
heart of the factory.
With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come
sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have
a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes
a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said,
"Yes son, we call it your mother."
••
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever
go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!" protested his mother.
"What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw
any pictures of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most MEN who go to Heaven get there
by a close shave."
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever
go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!" protested his mother.
"What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw
any pictures of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most MEN who go to Heaven get there
by a close shave."
••
Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman,
sat in his US Government class.
The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs..
Wade was about.
Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make
before he crossed the Delaware "
sat in his US Government class.
The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs..
Wade was about.
Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make
before he crossed the Delaware "
••
I cant believe my wife has ran off with my best friend.
Selfish bitch..... Who am I supposed to play golf with now.
Selfish bitch..... Who am I supposed to play golf with now.
••
The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close.
But don't worry.
If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy,
stop by the White House.
They've gone from "Change you can believe in" to
"Changing the story until you believe it."
But don't worry.
If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy,
stop by the White House.
They've gone from "Change you can believe in" to
"Changing the story until you believe it."
••
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a
sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned
43 restrooms.
sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned
43 restrooms.
••••
